Run Petra Run!

Breakthrough

2012-02-09T09:21:00.002Z

Yes it doesn't always rain / snow / sleet on my parade at newbie triathlete training towers. I have various bits of news and insight to (over) share with you but why not start with the good news - I had a breakthrough swimming session this week!

I missed Monday's swim class again, this time due to freezing fog. But I made a vow to get to the pool on Tuesday and I did. I had told the person advising me on triathlon (not a coach, not a coach, but basically a coach) that I was going to "swim 200s" and he agreed. Sounds like I know what I'm doing right? I got to the pool feeling nervous - I just tend to get very tired very quickly when swimming and swimming 200m without stopping, several times, was not something I was confident about. However, another swim coach keeps telling me to slow down in the pool and while warming up I had this blinding insight - that I could not run until I really slowed down. Maybe the same would work with swimming? I tend to pump my legs frantically in the pool and so made a real effort to slow down. And I did. And I did it. I did 4 x 200m and then even added on a 400m - all fine. I could have carried on! No land speed records were broken (400m takes me about 10 minutes - I know!) but nonetheless - for the first time I thought - I am going to be able to get to the 1900m in the next 7 months. I will manage it. Amazing. I have been on a high about this for days.

The other stuff - well meh. Let me bulletpoint it for you:

Virgin London marathon? I've pulled out. I can defer my place till next year and I found training for a marathon as well as trying to improve my biking / swimming too much. I don't think I would have done the marathon much justice and I'm not interested in "just getting round". A good-for-age place is an honour, like a Boston qualifier, and I want to give it my all. In 2013.
Business? Hmm. Eating the elephant in small bites is probably the best way to put it. I'm not being as productive / effective as I need to be with this but will figure out just quite how and why I'm holding back and then share. Actually, come on, let's face it. It's still that pure fear. I'm working on ignoring it, focusing on what needs to be done, not allowing myself to get distracted (I briefly tried to add yoga teacher to my qualifications but was made to realise by a good friend who knows me that this was just a strategy to avoid getting my head down and doing my PT). I'm plugging away at myself though and will continue to. I will wear my insecure self down and do it anyway.
Biking. Ah. This is where I need some triathlete advice. I bought a trainer, set it up, worked out how to use my bike computer (and this is the compressed version - both the trainer AND my bike computer were accompanied by diabolically badly written manuals so there was a fair amount of sighing, swearing, and checking out stuff on the internet before everything worked). Now I am trying to figure out how to do workouts on the bike trainer. I bought a Sufferfest download and I enjoyed it - though found the workout HARD! I struggle with motivation and keep telling myself that if I can run on a treadmill I can do this too... But it's not easy. Tips / advice? I've tried watching my tween's Ugly Betty boxset but it doesn't get me in the mood - I think I need motivational bike stuff. And Universal Sports does not appear to work here... I've just ordered a Spinervals DVD but am open to any other suggestions you might have.

So - things are a bit mixed. I am still working on my half ironman training schedule - trying to put something together that is not so challenging that I can't complete the workouts but will get me to the start line in September in shape to finish competently. Getting my head round 2 a day workouts is another thing but I am confident I can do this. Eventually.

In the meantime, in sporting achievements, let me share some photos of my parents (67 and 66) in Holland yesterday. If ever there was a reason to get off your behind and get fit and strong, it's so that you can be their age and do this kind of stuff:

My mother's in the red hat in front, my uncle in the red jacket next to her. This is people queueing up to get their card stamped in the course of a long-distance skating tour - to prove they've passed all the checkpoints.

My mother in the red hat, my father in the blue hat and my uncle next to them. My uncle, incidentally, is 76...

My father ducking under a bridge.

I am so proud and impressed with them. Right now the Dutch are hoping that the Elfstedentocht will come to pass this coming weekend although it's looking unlikely - 200kms of unbroken thick ice are needed. I'm homesick - would give a great deal to be skating through the small villages of Holland right now with my parents and my children. Will plan my trips to Holland better next year!

half ironman half shmironman. Or no comfort zones.

2012-01-31T09:29:00.000Z

I've just come back to my computer on a rainy Tuesday. After a failed workout. I had 2 hours on the bike on hills in my schedule and woke up at 6 this morning determined to make it happen. Had breakfast, got dressed, got the bike packed into my car (not easy as it's a mini) and headed about 10 miles away from here where rolling hills begin. I waited for it to get light and found, to my dismay, that the day was grey. As I got into my first mile I was very conscious that I had no lights on my bike or myself (although my jacket is a fairly luminous orange). The second mile in I realised I was struggling to get out of my bike clips. This is a permanent low-grade fear of mine - not being able to clip out - which can escalate quickly at any provocation. This was such a provocation. I talked myself down, out of the clips and got my toolkit out to see if I could loosen the clips. Didn't have the right size allen key (although my clips are already pretty low on their setting I still struggle to get out). And I then proceeded to have a minor panic attack. The hills I was intending to climb in this grey drizzle are pretty steep and the thought of not being able to get off my bike if it got too hard, combined with my fear that I was not visible enough in the drizzle due to not having any lights meant that I got on my bike, turned around, and headed back to my car. Head hung in shame, but I couldn't do this.

I'm all for the cheesy inspirational quotes. I love Oprah, I encourage others daily, I have a Lulumemon bag hanging on my wall to inspire me ("floss! Do something that scares you!"). I believe in it - I believe in not getting too comfortable with what you already know, in constantly pushing on and beyond yourself.

But in the last few weeks I have found myself, on a few occasions, sitting in my car in the same situation as this morning. Panic struck. Terrified. Close to tears. Unable to move forward or ahead.

I hate the expression "comfort zone". But it's very descriptive. And I've spent so little time there in the past 6 months that I'm hyperventilating a little with all the "doing things that scare me". I feel I've done little but do things that scare me. Doing the course in London terrified me. It terrified me because I was nearly the oldest one there, and was afraid of being thought ridiculous for even thinking I could do this. It terrified me because so much of the material we covered, practically and theoretically, was new to me. Mostly it terrified me because becoming a personal trainer is something I want to do so much and doing something you want so much can be very scary - the thought of failing at something you really want is so much more scary than failing at something you don't care about.

But I did it. I passed every subject, practical and theoretical, the first time round. And I came home and thankfully my family was still there, they all survived without me around as much. Home was, and is, very much a comfort zone.

But still the scary stuff continues. Starting a new business? Scary. And this half ironman training? It's entirely utterly terrifying. What doesn't help is that I am such a beginner at this. Just working out my training schedule makes my head hurt. Thankfully I have a coach who has been a huge help but my new training schedule is - you guessed it - scary.

Most of the time I can pull myself together and tell myself to have faith. To have faith that breaking down the elements I need to put my business in place will eventually result in me having a business.
To have faith that all the sessions in the gym, in the pool, out on the run and on the bike will eventually meld together into my being able to do this thing in September without collapsing on the course. That spending time doing something that is so hard and so new to me will benefit me as a person, as a parent, as a wife and as a trainer. Most of the time I find myself able to breathe in, to breathe out - to figure out how to break the problem into smaller, doable targets.

What is my point here? I guess that most of the time I try to "feel the fear and do it anyway". To fake it till I make it. To break my challenge down into small manageable steps. But sometimes, just sometimes - the big picture overwhelms me. Sometimes I freeze in the face of all I have to conquer. I don't know what more to say about that - is it good or is bad? It is what it is, I guess.

Today my new turbo trainer will arrive (courier willing). Tonight I will set it up and tomorrow I will ride, indoors. I won't have to worry about unsurmountable hills for a little while, or dark mornings, or scary cars whooshing narrowly past me. I will go to the pool and do my drills without worrying about the 1900m that await me in September. I will go out and run my tempo workout so hard tomorrow I won't have a chance to worry about it.

And I will go back to my inspirational quotes and use them as weaponry against my fear. Here's what Penelope Trunk said yesterday "no one is a failure in the middle of a big change. You can't fail if you're moving toward something. You fail only if you stop." And I will keep reminding myself how great this felt, and how good it was. Running was inconceivable 10 years ago. Running Boston was inconceivable 5 years ago. Who knows what I will have done 5 years from now?

BHAGs.

2012-01-24T17:16:00.004Z

(Apologies - it's a long one).

Big hairy-assed goals, or BHAGs, are a recurring feature in my life. If I'm feeling down or just a bit meh, that's the time to catch me. Suggest something crazy to me, anything crazy, and I'll do it.

Generally it works. I've LONG been a believer in the Opposite of Me and while BHAGs aren't necessarily the opposite of me they tend to serve the same function of shaking something (me) loose and up and onward. They basically kick me into action when I need it.

But the thing about BHAGs is they are all those things - big and hairy-assed - scary. And so right now I'm staring at two great BHAGs and trying to figure out how to tackle them.

BHAG number 1 is setting up my own business. Oh, I've sort of dabbled in that before but not in any concerted way and not with something I felt as passionately about as my personal training. It matters so much more, and is therefore so much more scary and hairy-assed. I waste enough of my life over at lifehacker.com to know that the way to handle panic-inducing goals is to break them down into doable steps. I'm doing it, folks. I've qualified, applied for my certification and insurance, am seeing the bank on Thursday and am working on a website. Making everything into lists is helping me enormously - keeping my head down and working through stuff point-to-point is going well and it's only when I look up that I am caught in the headlights and start panicking (what if nobody wants to hire me? what if I'm no good?), so I'm trying to avoid looking up too much.

BHAG number 2 - ah. Waaay back in late November I was getting frustrated with the lack of structure in direction in my training. Although I had the London marathon on my horizon this April, my training was not happening (enough) and I felt I lacked purpose. You might have told me that I didn't lack purpose, that traveling up and down to London and doing this course and the studying and being away from my family and all was kind of eating up my time and energy and that this was okay. And you would have been right. But you weren't there when they emailed me that the Vitruvian half Ironman was expected to fill up within a day of opening. Nor did you hide my credit card. So yes, I signed up for a half Ironman in September of this year. And all through December it seemed to be working - as a kick. I got stuck in and started an 18 week 55 mile per week plan (from my beloved Advanced Marathoning - it really does work for me) and contacted the local Lincoln Tri club and asked to join their swimming lessons.

(Quick aside - I've mentioned before how I am really not much of a "club" person. I like to run alone and train alone, at times that suit me and that fit in with everything else in my life. I do realise, however, that I need "proper", "good" swimming coaching. And oh my word - have I found it. I am the slowest, worst swimmer in the pool and yet, and yet - I am getting great coaching from the coaches and everyone else is incredibly kind and encouraging. So far, I have not missed a session and most weeks I've managed to get to the pool for a practise session as well. So this bodes well!)

But yes. There is a very big hairy-assed element to this half ironman. In September of this year I want to get through a 1900m open water swim, an 81km bikeride and a 21km swim without falling to pieces. I am realistic enough to know that just getting round is going to be my goal. And the 21km run should be fine. The 1900m swim and the 81km bikeride though - there's a different thing. At present I can't actually swim that distance, nor ride that distance. And I'm going to have to change that.

I hadn't really focused on the training until last week - Christmas got in the way, I was running well, the kids were home, I was finishing my course work.. Oh yes. The coursework was what got me going. Doing a case study on a newbie triathlete aiming to run a marathon and do a half ironman this year (who could my subject possibly be?) got me diving into Joe Friel's Triathlon Training bible. And panicking about the amount of biking and swimming I should be doing.. I'll spare you the full panic blow-by-blow but basically I spent a week running around flapping hands in the air saying "I don't know how to do this" and doing surprisingly little in terms of training. And this week I am beginning to sort of come down to earth after some good chats with my tri coaches and particularly one with my life coach or BFF, Dawn. Things pointed out to me include:

I can't do it all as an "A" goal. I can't train 5 days a week on Pfitzinger towards the marathon and then add 2 swimming workouts, 2 biking workouts and 2 strength / conditioning workouts to that.
I tend to overcommit and then exhaust myself and then get sick / injured. Yup.
Am I going to be a triathlete who's running a marathon or a marathoner who is doing triathlons?

Okay! I know! I need to make a decision and adapt my plan accordingly. A bit of soul-searching revealed to me that I was really, in all honesty, gunning for my 3:40 in London. I didn't get near it in Boston last year and feel I could get it. However, it would take everything in the next 12 weeks to get there. And my triathlons (am doing a sprint in May, an Oly in June) will most certainly suffer if I don't spend more time on my bike and in the pool.. Moreover, the 3:40 - why? Well, honestly, because it would be Boston qualifier and I could also use it for a Good for Age place in London. Both of these are goals I've already achieved, actually.

So I've decided to be a triathlete running a marathon. And London is now a B (or even a C goal). I'm going to have to run less (makes me nervous). And cycle more (I'm still struggling to fit my bikerides in). And swim more. And do weights consistently for the first time in my life. And - more importantly - be okay with not beating my PR in London this spring. It might happen, but it might also well not. And I've got to get my head round to being okay with that.

So training is a work in progress... More on that next time. Till then I hope you feel more confident about what you're doing than I do!

Is it Petra? Or just some crazy woman chasing her tail?

2011-12-20T20:47:00.003Z

No it's me. Absolutely me. I know! You thought I'd disappeared into nothingness / blissful domesticity / fallen off a train / was now giving that irritating Tracy Anderson a run for her money. All of the above, in good time, my people. Well, maybe not the blissful domesticity. But let's just summarise:

I have finished - FINISHED - my Advanced PT course at the YMCA in London which was wonderful and intense and challenging.
I have stopped commuting up and down to London and landing myself on beloved friends for bed / food / general physical and emotional sustenance. I think they are still my friends.
I have unpacked my MOTHER of all bags which I dragged up and down to London every other week for the last time, inevitable without at least 3 essential items.

Oh and I'm not giving up on blogging. I'm not quite sure whether I should somehow chase a bigger readership (views?) and not quite sure how so we'll park that thought for a while. I'm not quite sure how much to separate my future professional online presence from my blog (in your view, would it detract from your view of your personal trainer if she put her fears, worries and insecurities out there or would you relate to that?) But strangely enough, without blogging there was no blogworld accountability and without blogworld accountability my running dries up, as does my running mojo. So for the few of you who are still reading this - I'm back.

For the longest time it felt like my course was all-consuming. When I was not in London, away from the family and my home, and studying etc, I was at home trying to pick up at least a few of my dropped balls and revising for all the various exams. (In the past 3 months it has become apparent to me that I paid NO attention at all - EVER - in biology and science. ALL the anatomy and physiology was ENTIRELY new to me). There were some highlights - at the end of November long-time blog buddy and friend Susan honoured me with a visit all the way from Memphis:

Us about to set out on a run that was YEARS in the making

And by 2 weeks ago, I was feeling sufficiently on top of things (or able to ignore sufficient pressing demands on me) to think about London. April 2012, I've got a place, I've got to get my stuff together. All this cross-training malarkey (on my course I found myself doing aerobics / plyometrics / bootcamp workouts etc) is good and well but to train for a marathon you have to go out and run. And so 2 weeks ago I started on my 18 week up to 55M Pfitzinger plan. Yes, tried and tested. By me. It seems to work, seems to push me. And while I would like to think that one day I'll upgrade to higher mileage, given the sporadic nature of my running so far this season that would not be realistic. So week 1 went great - much better than expected.

Yep - I even went out in the dark, headlight and reflective gear on.

Week 2, repeat of week 1 but now in London so on top of a full courseload and "social" commitments went not quite so well. I slugged out an 8 miler with 4M at sub 8min/mile pace, stopping and starting, and I contemplated giving it up altogether, but didn't. My 9 miler was uneventful, but slow. And now, in week 2, I've lost my copy of Advanced Marathoning (doh) and I'm googling the schedule until I find it again. Slick moves eh?

And in further developments, I decided in November that I needed to broaden my sporting horizon. Yes - triathlon. And not just any triathlon - a goal is not a goal unless it is a great big hairy-assed one - I signed up for a half ironman. I am well aware that this year's training attempts ended in tears (bronchitis) but am hoping that next summer things will be better. One step I am putting in place now is high quality swim training. Tadah - last night I had my first swim outing with the Lincoln Tri club. Nice, welcoming people (much nicer than my local running group, remember that?) and as I totally accepted that I was going to be a beginner, it was good. Great coach, very structured training that I think will work for me. Lots of progressive drills - this appeals to my methodical germanic side. So watch this space. There may NEVER be a photo of me in a swimsuit (I am not Mary Ironmatron after all) but if I can just make it through the 1900m open water swim (holy cr*p!) and through that 52 mile bikeride (my bottom half aches just thinking of this) then the half marathon should be cinch.

So I'm feeling guardedly optimistic about the future - there's just the small matter of me finding the cojones to actually start up my own PT business, is all. I've got 28 runmiles, 30 bike miles and 45 minutes in the pool to look for them before Christmas.

In the meantime, I'm going to be catching up with you all. Talk soon!

I'll march my band out.

2011-10-18T20:41:00.003Z

I have spent a long time agonising over this evening. I'm 40 tomorrow and I know I should be freaked out about this.

But you've all been reading this blog for some time now. Midlife crisis? I think I've covered it. The past 2 years have been rough in so many ways (though, thankfully, good in so many other ways) that life lessons have been learned at a fast pace. I've been as close to rock bottom mentally as I've ever been, but I've also emerged, and - you'll all be relieved to hear - I've emerged stronger and more in alignment with the person I really am.

I haven't posted in a month for a number of reasons. Firstly because between commuting to London every other week, doing full days at my course, revising for exams inbetween and then dealing with all the family life stuff that had been left undone while I was in London there was little time for anything else... Secondly because I haven't really been training. My ambition of training for a fast marathon (primarily to beat Sarah Palin's 1:45 recent half marathon time) has disappeared - doing a full-blown plan on top of a course that involves daily workouts which cover the range between finding your 1 rep max on resistance machines, learning how to teach "proper pushups" (I can't even do them myself), and experimenting with different methods of interval training, has just proved impossible. Instead, I've reduced my almost daily runs to 5 miles of mostly easy work and have allowed myself a weekly 25 miles until halfway through November, when I'm going to have to nudge that up a bit... And thirdly because I've been wondering whether there is still any point in blogging. I've been blogging for years - do I still have anything to add to this medium? Am I offering anything others aren't offering, better and with more sponsorship, readers and support? I don't really know the answer to the latter question. I'm not sure how much it matters. All I know is that when I think of stopping blogging, it makes me sad. I have made many "real friends" and learned everything I know about running through it. There is a huge community out there that I feel a part of. So for now - I haven't given up on it, however sporadic my forays might be...

But onwards people. I'm 40 tomorrow and I'm excited. It's all good. There's been some rain on my parade in the past but tomorrow I'm marching my band out. And for you - younger readers - don't worry about it. It's all good. Yes - it takes my face a good hour to lose the impression of my pillow on my face in the morning. But who cares. Life truly, truly is juicy - and it gets juicier! - and I'm really having my bite. Doing this course is the most energising, right thing for me to do - and it's good for me even if it is tough to be away from the kids and Adam and home. I'm passionate about pursuing this career and can't wait to get started on it.

So once again - I'm going to catch up on everything in due course - and on you. I promise. Life won't be this crazy forever. I'll be checking in - and then I'll truly be back. 40 - and loving it.

Overwhelmed.

2011-09-15T18:43:00.000Z

Oh my friends. It has once again been two weeks and I am feeling somewhat stuck. And overwhelmed. There is SO much going on and I'm just not quite sure where to start, and how to start it. A list will help, right?

I started my course at the YMCA in Tottenham Court Road, Central London. It is wonderful. It is interesting, amazing to do physical exercise as part of your learning, fun new people to meet. But challenging on every level. It has been a long time since I had this much to learn (last time I took classes there was no internet. Or mobile phones, really). So I'm struggling to get my revision in. The opportunities for procrastination are bigger, much bigger.
The kids have both started new schools. They're both doing great - so far - but I've been hanging onto my anxieties about them both. A friend told me once that you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. As they're happy right now this thankfully is not an issue, but still. I like to worry in preparation.
admin. Sheesh. I put all my admin and correspondence to one side the last week of the holidays so I could get all the kids' stuff together for school. In this country everything has to be labelled. With sew-on labels. I don't really sew. Well, I didn't. I worked out how to use a sewing machine (practise makes perfect) and can even label socks. Which is good, because there were lots. But while labelling socks the post pile just grew and I'm only just emerging from underneath. And then there's all the stuff I want to do - move my blog to WordPress yadda yadda yadda.
running. Hrmm. My running has been on and off all summer. Off first, because I was recovering from bronchitis. Then there weeks of 40 miles, and weeks of 10 miles. Days where I thought what I needed was a target marathon in November and days where I thought I needed that like a hole in the head. My course has not helped - the first module we are working on is gym instructor (hmm. Let's say that is not my dream) and so due to the fact that I don't really do anything in a gym other than run I am having to familiarise myself with all the machines, how to safely use it, how to safely train others to use it, and then there's all the weights exercises. I need to know what they are all called - suffice it to say that I've been in the gym most days slightly panicked at the practical stuff I need to learn (the theory is meaty too but I addressed that worry in my first bullet point). This takes up a LOT of time and also, the gym I use in London limits the use of treadmills to 25 minutes. Sheesh.
food. Hmm. I am not on the healthy food wagon and need to get back on it. 'Nuff said.
sleep. All this messiness is wreaking havoc with my sleep. Which doesn't help me sort out the messiness.

Basically, I need to do what I need to do on a regular basis. Stop where I am. Stop regretting what I have not done, angsting over things done wrong or not achieved and get a grip. Move on. Start.

So here I am, starting. Planning the way ahead.

to organise my revision and admin time, I'm using focus booster. 25 minutes revision, 5 minutes downtime, then 25 minutes more revision or admin, 5 minutes downtime. Worked with it today and it's good. I can envisage 25 minutes of revision.
Running. I'm going to train for a half-marathon in December. At the moment my schedule, 5 days 9-5 at the YMCA in London, then 9 days back home, with a 3 hour drive at each end, will mean I can not put the work I want into marathon training. The weekends are busy with the kids and lots of driving (did I mention this? The mileage on my car is shocking - when I get it serviced they think I travel for work. Nope. Just fun...). So, half marathon training. Shockingly, I haven't trained for one for years, I've just run them as part of marathon training. As I am keen to beat my PR (1:45) and Sarah Palin's recent win I want to get sub 1:45. My runnersworld schedule is hard, but hopefully not undoable. Following it will mean I will not be able to get to the gym at the YMCA in the mornings before my course begins (which is a shame, because one of my new friends on the course is really working me) but will instead use the lunchtimes or the evenings to get in a short cardio workout to warmup and then use the weights machines so I can get used to them. And buff up. Obviously.
And with food - well I'm just going to have to do this aren't I? Not focus on past failures, but focus on future success.

And generally, this is something I need to do. A friend of mine who I really respect recommended The Secret to me. I balked initially - I had heard about it and had, frankly, dismissed it. She told me to suspend my cynicism, ignore the stuff about quantum physics (honestly?) and about "the universe delivering" and just take on board the basic message that visualisation works, that focusing on what you want rather than what you are afraid of is a really positive step. So I'm working my way through it and she's right - I do focus on the negative, my fears, more than on the positive. So I'm working on this. Because actually - there is nothing wrong. My kids are happy, my husband is happy, I'm happy and doing a course I enjoy and that is challenging me - the 3am stomach cramps are not necessary, right?

It tastes better than it looks.

Any tips / tricks / links you can offer to help me along this path would be most welcome. I'm off now to eat a bowl of the vegetable minestrone I tend to make to get me back on the wagon. Namaste my friends!

this girl's back in town.

2011-08-28T20:02:00.000Z

6 weeks! Oh, I know. I have been a crappy blogger. And I could think of a whole realm of excuses (and I do, actually, have them lined up) but actually - that's ridiculous. I haven't blogged all summer because for a great number of reasons my attention has been elsewhere, with other people. It's been good to take a break - I've consciously spent less time on FaceBook and I've even sold my beloved iPhone 4 because I felt I was just spending too much time fiddling about with it (I don't care how BlackBerry tries to sell itself, those phones aren't nearly as sexy as iPhones. Just what I need).

And while it's been really good to spend the time away from my screen and with lots of good real people, I have also missed the real friends I have out there in the blog and FB world, and I have missed the contact and accountability that comes from keeping my blog and reading yours. So within the next week or so (give me a chance, both kids are starting new schools so there is an ocean of labelling to be done) I will be back with you all, finding out what you've been doing.

And so - if I wasn't on FaceBook or messing about with my iPhone, what did I do this summer? The highlight has to be my trip to Oregon. Way back in January, I asked on this blog what you would suggest I do to celebrate this year where I turn 40 and Jen immediately emailed me and invited me to run the Cascade Lakes Relay with herself and her husband and their team. My immediate reaction to this invitation was "yes" and so, on August 3rd I set off for Portland. The trip was wonderful from the first day to the last. My first hosts, Zach and Jen, went out of their way to welcome me into their home and show me the sights of Portland before we set off for Bend on the Thursday evening. There I met the whole team (Left, Right, Repeat) before hitting my bunkbed. Our van was the first to start, and so by 8:30 we were in Diamond Lake in the cold morning, waiting for our first runner to start. And then the whole event just - happened. It was an intense, fun, funny, tiring, emotional roller coaster - there was such a relentless pace to the whole thing and yet there was so much down-time. The physical proximity of us all in the van meant we had in-jokes from 5 minutes in, the support we all showed each other during the legs was incredible. There were so many highlights but things I will never forget:

Deana and I at the start

Van 1 - ready to go! (Sean, Kevin, me, Jen, Zach and Deana)

Look at that heel strike!

Waiting to finish our first leg (me, Jen and Deana)

Oh coffee - you're almost better than sleep..

Thank you Jen...

I'm out on that dock - this was how we waited for Van 2 to finish..

starting on my first leg (unsupported by our van as it was off-road) and being warned there were rattlesnakes but they apparently "are more scared of us than we are of them". This is the kind of stuff I tell my kids and even they don't believe it... It put a spring in my step for sure.
running the night-time leg in the cold under the enormous starlit skies of central Oregon, with the marshalls following us on horseback;
having a shower and a flushing toilet at the high-school gym where we could sleep for 2 hours;
having an egg mcmuffin and a coffee on our way out to start our last legs - never has junkfood tasted SO good;
Jen jumping out of the van and keeping me company on the tough last leg. Only 4 miles but it was so hilly and so hot and so high - it took everything I had not to stop and walk.

But really - the thing I will never forget is my team and the way we were together. I wanted to have an unforgettable experience this summer and I got one. Thank you Zach and Jen and everyone else on Team Left Right Repeat.

And on the tail of this amazing experience, I got to spend 3 days with another blogging / FaceBook friend, Emily - another great intense experience of friendship and connectedness.

Emily and I

People sometimes say that you should do the things that you fear: while I wouldn't say I feared going to Oregon at times I did think it was kind of insane to make such a huge trip, away from my kids during the summer vacation, to spend time with people who I had only met once or twice and whom I knew mostly from their blogs. But it was an incredibly memorably, warm and life-enhancing experience - the kind of thing that proves that it is right to do things that you are afraid to do, to take risks, because the rewards can be so incredibly wonderful.

Which leads me neatly into the next thing I'm doing that frightens me - I've taken the plunge, I've paid my fees - I am taking my advanced diploma in personal training and it starts next week. Now if I had the occasional twinge about my Oregon trip, this enterprise completely frightens me. I wake up some nights feeling there's an ice-cold fist around my heart.. I am afraid of so many different things - I have never done anything practical professionally (I did a BA and MA in English and have footled around for years with various other things), I am afraid I'll not have any clients, I'm afraid I won't be a good enough trainer ... the list is fairly extensive. But fundamentally it really comes down to a fear of failure. I'm not sure how to get over that (advice would be really welcome) but I've decided to park that fear, for the time being, and carry on regardless. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Jump.

So watch this space - next week I'll tell you what happened. And in the meantime, I'm going to catch up on your blogs. A bumper sticker I read recently said "It's only one-six billionth about you". I'll take it to heart.

The phoenix rises!

2011-07-13T05:53:00.000Z

I am, finally, well. I am, finally, back on the road. I listened to everyone who told me to wait until the doctor said "go!", to go slow, to take it easy. I did ALL that. And man, was it hard! Not at the beginning, when I felt so wiped out that taking it slow was fine. But after a while I was desperate to get out there. Desperate!

But while my time off has made me less fit, has added some pounds and made me overall a little softer, a little rounder, I didn't entirely let this time go to waste. One of my lurking friends emailed me immediately after my last post and suggested I retrain as a personal trainer. I have been thinking about training as a running or tri coach for a while, had googled personal training courses but nothing had really stuck with me. I think the personal trainers at my gym (= muppets) really put me off. They are mostly quite sweet but so young, so annoyingly one-dimensional, so incredibly unable to get anything that does not take place within the gym. (Marathon training? Uh - you need to go outside for that?). Yes I know - a snap judgment. But this friend referred me straight to a credible course and qualification (YMCA) and pointed out that I could so easily run bootcamps and training camps and all sorts of things out here on the farm where I live. I have space in my house to convert a room into a gym - I'm all set! So I have spent the past 3 weeks researching this option, working out a business plan, talking to another personal trainer who lives nearby and who has been incredibly helpful and supportive and generally laying the foundations for this plan. I am hoping that I can start the program in September - there are still some glitches to work out timing-wise and logistically with my family but things are looking positive..

And in the meantime my chest x-ray came back clear, my bloodwork came back fine except for my old friend anemia, and so with iron pills in my hand I am making my way back. 15 miles last week and I'm hoping to get a good 25 in this week. Our summer holidays are finally beginning (11 year old is home, 8 year old has another 10 days to go) and life is a flurry of activity for them but I'm used to this - I can get my workouts in. Only 2 weeks to go till I head out to Portland for the Cascade Lakes Relay so I'm intending to get some twofers in this week (5 in the am, 3 in the pm) and then keep them up next week. My speed is not great at the moment and I am concentrating on the endurance rather than the speed for this race - with so little time to go I think I just need to ensure I can cover the distances rather than try to cover them fast. Right Jen?

So all is good. I am WEEKS behind on all of your blogs but about to head over there now to see what has been going on. The future is bright!

Oh - and in an attempt to stop me running (as if) one of my friends managed to convince me to go riding for the first time in my life.... It's fine but I don't think you sweat enough.

Reset.

2011-06-21T20:33:00.000Z

Since my last post, my health has improved a bit, but not enough. I have been back to the doctor's and am waiting for results from a chest x-ray and bloodtests. I won't bore you with the details or the symptoms but as much as I hope to wake up every morning feeling ready for the world and fully recovered, it has not happened yet. Whatever is going on, I clearly have to take it easy for the time being.

Which means my tri training did not start yesterday. I tried 10 minutes of yoga on Sunday and collapsed in a coughing fit, so I know that getting out on the bike / run / in the pool would be madness. Which leaves me - well - reassessing?

I'm not making any major decisions yet re the tri in July - I either will or I won't be able to train for it, so I either will or won't do it. I am definitely heading out to Oregon for the relay in August, however - I've swallowed my pride and Jen and Zach are allocating me some of the shorter legs. No PRs but plenty of fun - I am ready for that. As for longer term - a few weeks ago I was batting around the idea of a November marathon. But I've pulled out of my London-Paris bikeride, I've pulled out of a 100K bikeride I was due to do in 10 days, I may be pulling out of my tri - right now I'm not committing to anything until I actually feel better.

Prudence (a voice I seldom listen to but she has a way of being right) tells me that when I do eventually feel better - and I'm officially off exercise for another 2 weeks - I will have lost a lot of fitness and need to build things back up slowly. My osteopath has advised me to find some shorter races to run - perhaps to run 2 or 3 half marathons in October and November and to use those to get my speed and endurance back before starting London marathon training again in December. I will have to see.

What this episode has made me realise, more than anything else though, is just how much I take my health for granted. I have been sidelined from training through injury before, but never this long due to illness. Cross-training is not an option - there is no form of physical exercise I can take part in right now, other than walking - and as you might expect, I am struggling with this. I know in my head that running has been a big part of how I identify myself and feel good about myself - now I can feel it in my heart, because I don't feel the same. This is no earth-shattering insight - I imagine that two good runinng blogging buddies of mine, Miss Zippy and Jill, who have both been sidelined from running for a long time, can relate to this.

What it's also allowed me to see, and this is a somewhat more disturbing insight, is that I have for some time being using running and training as a way not to focus on much else. I have been a stay-at-home mother on and off now for years - there was a 2 year period where I worked out of the home and I've taken on various freelance jobs when they've come along - but all in all I have not taken my career - such as it is - very seriously in the last 11 years. And while that was fine for a while, and running was enough of a focus for me to be able to handle being a stay-at-home mother, my situation is changing now and I want to find a fulfilling and flexible career for myself. It's a scary situation to face up to but I'm trying to muster the confidence and courage that running has given me and apply it to the rest of my life.

All of this will, I'm sure, be easier once I'm able to run again to take the pressure off... In the meantime, I'm going to be brave and face the future and my fear of failure. Stay with me, my friends!

In the absence of a decent current photo - who wants to see me looking pale and pasty? This is me with my Big 5 marathon medals - London, Boston, New York, Chicago (x2) and Berlin. No, I did not get the prize money as well...

Bring back the balance - when can I start training again?

2011-06-09T16:48:00.000Z

Okay, so I've got this )(*(&*^*%^& chest infection and I've cancelled my London to Paris bikeride. Of course my doctor told me not to cycle London to Paris when I saw her on Monday. Given that I was running a temperature and had creaky lungs there was no surprise there but honestly, in my madness, I was still thinking "maybe?". But don't worry people, if the doctor hadn't put the kibbosh on my racing plans, friends and family made sure to do so very quickly. Of course - 5 days after starting my antibiotics I am perking up. Out of bed, halfway human again. Still partly thinking that maybe I could have done? But given that I pant when I climb up the stairs I know, I know. So I am being prudent (SO boring) and taking 2 weeks off - a whole other 10 days to go! - and getting a proper examination before I slowly go back to exercise (I hope).

Anyway - that's by the by. I'm not the only person who's ever had to sit out an event, and it's happened to me before - I'll get over it. But here's what gets my goat. Many people have said to me, when they found out I was ill, that I was ill because "I do so much exercise". In their eyes, I think, I wear myself out and "overdo" it. My initial reaction at these comments is intense irritation and anger and I throw it back at them - I like exercising, I like training and anyway - I know a large amount of people (most of you) who train harder than I do and dedicate more of your lives to your sport than I do. But reflecting on my reaction I realise that it's not really what people say to me that matters as much as what I feel they're attacking. I realise that I get so angry because I feel like they are asking me to cut back on something, often the main thing, that I do in life for my own self-fulfillment and enjoyment. Like many of you, I have a family and friends and a home and personal issues and occasionally a job that put demands on me. All of these are good things and I am lucky to have them, lucky to be wanted and needed in so many different ways. But sometimes I feel pulled in too many different directions. When I'm asked to be somewhere for someone I go, almost without questioning. And the more demands that are placed on me, the less I tend to question whether I should always accede to them, the more I just tend to flip from one to the other. Yes - I find it hard to say no. As far as this chest infection goes - who knows what caused it? Maybe running Boston was tougher than I thought, I was tired afterwards and flew home on a germy plane, I didn't take enough time off before starting up running again. All true. But I can tell you that in the last few weeks I was feeling increasingly overwhelmed by the rest of my life and how tiring that was. I spent very little time exercising precisely because I was doing so much other stuff. And I was beginning to long for a training schedule because I know how dedicated I am to following a schedule and how, when I'm training, I make smarter decisions on which of the demands from the rest of my life I should be responding to. When I'm in training, I know I have limited time for the rest of stuff and so I am focused and directed. So - in contrast to what people say to me - I think that training actually forces me to balance my life. And makes me happy. So as soon as I can, I will get my training head back on.

can you see one of the sweet things in the rest of my life?

Which means that 10 more of days of sitting things out is not something I'm relishing. Watching from the sidelines in any aspect of something in life is not something I enjoy. I've never even spectated a race - and that shames me, because I have drawn on the support of crowds on many an occasion (never more so than when I had to do so, literally, in the 2009 London marathon). And to thwart any intention I might have to become a better spectator, the ridiculous lottery system that the London Olympics has instigated for UK residents meant that most of us who applied got NO tickets at all while residents of the rest of the EU were able to apply on a first-come, first-serve basis for whatever event they liked. Bitter, me? But if anyone you know wants to rent a lovely apartment near the Olympics site during the summer Olympics, let me know because I'm cashing in, I'm going to spectate this thing like the rest of you - on TV.

Where does that leave my summer plans? Well - I'm not sure. I am - so far - committed to two events - the Virgin London triathlon (July 31st) and the Cascade Lakes Relay (August 5-6). I was hoping to start a "proper" 6 week triathlon schedule on Jun 20th. I'm going to have to see how that works out with my health and whether I'm able to do so. I have various triathlon books but was going to follow a combination beginner / intermediate program from - beginner for swimming, intermediate for cycling and running, but if I really need to start up slowly (do I? do I have to?) I will do the beginner program for everything. I mean, let's face it, this race is not going to be impressive in terms of time, given the base I'll be coming from. But I really would like, one way or the other, to do this thing. I was considering doing a sprint triathlon in the run-up to it but I am abandoning that plan so I don't overcommit myself. As for the relay - Jen and Zach who have so sweetly invited me onto their team have also reassured me that the point of the relay is the fun, not the time - so no-one is expecting anything lightning-fast from me in Oregon either. The pressure is off.

So bear with me as I grumble my way through my convalescence - do you think I could at least do a 30 minute yoga video? - and soon, I hope, I will be joining you out on the road again.

Man macht und Gott Lacht - part two

2011-06-05T13:35:00.000Z

So yes - I have not blogged much. I've been absent from FaceBook (no bad thing) and have not commented much on your blogs (a bad thing - I'm sorry). I don't know about you but in the weeks leading up to an A race, the rest of my life seems to go by the wayside. The focus is on my race. And then - when it's over - the rest of my life comes roaring back at me. So that has some been some of what I've been doing. Kids stuff, house stuff, admin stuff etc. Workout-wise I have been on my bike as much as I can, and I find it SO much more time-consuming than running so even less time for blogging. Enjoyable, but time-consuming. Expensive too! In the past weeks I've invested in a new pair of bike shorts (needed more than one pair for a 3 day trip, after all), a waterproof jacket (found out on my one ride in the rain that the jacket I have is not waterproof), and various smaller bits which all seem to have added up. On the upside, I look very cool.

And then there's something I haven't really blogged much about because I kind of didn't want to think about it. I told you I had a chest infection after Boston. Something like that (an infection after exhaustion after a serious effort) was to be expected so I didn't really pay it much heed, took my antibiotics and got back to my life. Over the past 5 weeks I had noticed that my runs were slow, that I was still coughing on my bike and on my runs, but I thought I was on the road to recovery. However, this Friday I woke up in the night with a pounding headache and by Saturday morning I felt totally lousy again. Last night my husband took me to the duty doctor at the hospital and yep - my chest infection is back, or never really went away really. This time I have been put on more powerful antibiotics which I'm hopeful about as Adam, who has also been suffering has finally improved after being on these particular antibiotics and an inhaler. So here I am - 4 days before I'm meant to set off on an endurance event (230 miles in 3 days) and I'm in bed feeling lousy. Am I going to do it? I don't know. I'm going to see my own doctor tomorrow and get her advice on it but I do realise it's beginning to look unlikely. Right now I can't even imagine getting on my bike, let alone riding it for hours for 3 days. But on the other hand, it's an event I was looking forward to and, more importantly, it's a fundraising event for a cause I feel very strongly about and I am really unhappy about dropping out of it. Right now, I guess, it's out of my control. I'll have to see how much I pick up in the next few days.

For those of you who have already donated - thank you. Regardless of whether I'm able to cycle the challenge, the money will be going directly to JDRF and will go towards finding a cure for diabetes. For those of you who have not yet donated, it's not too late and, as of yesterday, my friend Martha's parents are matching the contributions made on either the UK or the US website.

No shocking insights to share with you this post other than listen to your body - don't end up doing what I've done and go out there too quickly after you've been ill. I very much hope that I will still be able to ride this week but even if I do, I will not be doing it with the fitness I would have liked. So it goes.

Good luck to all of you out there who are racing in these next few weeks (or raced them yesterday, Jen and Amanda) and as I am now bed-ridden I hope to be able to catch up on your blogs.

A bigger goal. A better goal

2011-05-21T22:12:00.000Z

I know, I know. 3 weeks! It's been a long time since I posted my Boston race report - it's 5 weeks since Boston on Monday (I'm still counting, still picking up my pedal, still have my victorious finisher's photo on my desk. Privately, I'm still basking). But in these weeks I've been doing the following:

being ill for a while longer after my last blog post - my hacking cough follows me to this day.
yo-yoing mentally from being thrilled at my Boston race to panicking about my future. What's next? What's my new focus? Faster? Better? Longer? Further?
just some general existential angst, yadda yadda yadda.
a university reunion. I was nervous about going but it was wonderful. Empowering. It's been a long time - nearly 20 years - and there have ups and downs for everyone, but we're still here and we're all excited about the future. 40 is truly something to look forward to.
a half-marathon. Yes - the usual White Peak half-marathon which I ran with Drusy, Nigel, Steve, Gary, Simon and first-time half-marathoner and friend Brad. Given that Brad ran a 2:04 on almost no training Gary has uninvited him from future races. I ran a 2:03 - a slight meh time when I've run a 1:45 here before but I've run 12 miles in total since Boston and spent way too much time listening to Gary's gruesome real-life CSI stories along the way.

Goal-wise, there is stuff on the horizon. My first tri at the end of July. I made the decision to stop going to my swimming classes, as we never get much swimming in or concentrate on any drills and strokes and am instead relying on books and YouTube. Yeah, well, whatever. I have a relay race in August in Oregon - a little bucket trip that I squidged into the family budget and timeline. 7 days during which I run the Cascade Lakes relay with my lovely friends Jen and Zach and a whole bunch of other yet-to-be-met friends, and get to catch up with sweet Emily and maybe even Amanda and drink some beer and some coffee and buy some books - I am VERY excited.

But you know how you can just hang around and whine and just not feel altogether right? Maybe not. Well that's what I was doing. Feeling sorry for myself. And then someone really went ahead and tried to make me unhappy. And I got really hurt and really sad. And then really angry. And then I decided - enough. Enough of me. Sometimes when you're feeling at your lowest you have to go out there and help someone else.

A few years ago I asked a very wonderful friend of mine, Martha, what her dream was (I think I was sober, just in that kind of mood). And she told me, after a moment's thought, "an end to diabetes". Martha has suffered from Type 1 Diabetes for over 33 years and is one of the most admirable, least self-obsessed and self-pitying people I know. She has got on with her life, despite its challenges, has moved around the world, has an impressive career and a lovely family. She gives very generously of her time to lots of charities. And following on from my question, she asked me last year to go on a bikeride with her from London to Paris to raise funds for JDRF (the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation) to help them to find a cure for diabetes. I said "yes" immediately (again, I was sober). And people - the moment for our trip is nearly here. I have focused the first four months of this year on myself - Boston, Boston, Boston. That was good. I focused May on myself. Hmm. Maybe not so good. June is for Martha, and for others who live with the daily challenge that Type 1 Diabetes presents. Just very recently, a blogging AND running buddy of mine, Maddy, found out that her son, Stone, had type 1 Diabetes. I know it is hard to see your child facing up to a challenge you haven't had to face yourself, and I can only imagine how Maddy is feeling. But her family is a strong and loving one, and I've met Stone, and he is a strong and loving character. This is a challenge he can meet. But I would like to support people like Martha and Stone and to let them know that we are behind them and will do all we can to bring an end to diabetes.

If you are able to donate anything - anything at all - please would you consider making a donation to this charity? You can do so from the UK or Europe here and from the US or Canada here.

And finally, you may ask - how am I going to do this? 71 hilly miles on day one, an overnight ferry crossing followed by a 91 mile ride on day 2, followed by a 72 mile ride on the final day into Paris. Wings and prayers, people, wings and prayers. I've gone from no biking to almost all biking in the past 3 weeks - I've now gone up to 50 milers which are going fine so I'm hoping to hit a 60 and a 40 on consecutive days this week. I'm onto my 3rd bikeseat so far (the first, very expensive female-specific one is on ebay - it was NOT specific for this female). 2 pairs of padded shorts, chamois cream and the promise of a beer in the evening and a bottle of champagne in Paris is all I hope it will take..

I will be back here soon. If I'm not out biking manically, trying to pack 6 months training into the next 2 weeks...

learning my lessons - or will I ever?

2011-05-07T11:09:00.000Z

MIA again - I'm sorry. Shortly after posting my Boston race report I went to the doctor's office with an increasingly annoying cough and was diagnosed with a chest infection, given a course of antibiotics and told to take a week off exercising and to take it easy. Not my natural mode of being and not what I wanted, but I was feeling so lousy that I listened and did it. The downtime did give me plenty of opportunity, however, to go over and analyse my marathon and my training and to work out what did, and what didn't work. Let's start with the one thing that didn't work:

my pacing. In all brutal honesty, I never quite believed I was capable of a 3:40 marathon. I struggled with the 8:20 min/mile all winter. Not that I couldn't do it, but it was harder than it should have been for a marathon pace. I couldn't pull it out during my 20 mile race, and I never "slotted into" the pace during training, the way you should. It's chicken and egg, I know, but I never had the true belief that I could run this pace for a marathon, and if you can't believe it, you won't do it. Quite that simple. My coach did what she could to instill confidence in me, but I just wasn't quite there. As it was, I did actually run on pace for the first 14M. But my legs were starting to cramp there already, a sign I would have to slow things down to finish at all.. So I don't think that, on the day, I had that pace in me. If I had been really honest with myself, I would have acknowledged that on the day (because I did know that) and would have set out for an 8:25 - 8:30 min/mile pace. Small difference, but I think I could have held on to that pace for longer. There is no question for me that I need to focus more on the mental aspects of running and racing. Ginny recommended Running Within, which I've started reading, to help with that. I'll keep you posted. Ironically - having said everything I've said above - after running Boston I think that I could actually run a 3:40 marathon in the future.

Now the things that did work:

Nutrition. A big fat success mark here. I have struggled in previous marathons with nausea which prevented me from taking any nutrition on after the halfway mark. In addition, I often found I needed to use portapotties, or bushes, during the race. Not this time! As far as the nausea goes, coach advised me never mix sports drink and GU - which I have, unwittingly, done during races. I ran with a handheld waterbottle during this race so that I could always wash a GU down with water when I needed to take one. As far as not needing to make a pitstop is concerned, coach warned me against overhydration (which I tend to do, I drink a LOT of water during the day generally) and so, on race day, I had a cup of coffee and sipped some sportsdrink on the bus while I had my bagel. No more. I made three (nervous) pitstops in the athlete's village but that was it. Nothing during the race.
Having a coach. This REALLY worked for me. I loved knowing only the schedule for the week ahead. It meant I did not freak out about what was to come and tackled each workout as they were sent to me. I loved her confidence in me and the specificity of her training advice - when she told me I had to train at a certain pace, I just had to do it. And I did it. While I did not make the race pace that she felt I could do I ran the race stronger than I have ever done and I think it is due to how well trained I was for this race. Finally, having her to consult whenever I had a freak-out or a setback made an enormous difference - her calm and confidence stopped me spiralling into self-doubt and worry.
My strategy. I am SO pleased with the judgement calls I made during the race. I am very happy that I went out at my intended pace. I wanted to give it my all, and during the first 14 miles I did give it my all as far as pacing was concerned. But I am even more happy that when it became clear to me that I would not be able to hang onto this pace for much longer, I just flicked a switch in my mind. I just thought "this is my shot. This is my Boston. I am going to enjoy this, I want to enjoy this race and get that medal." And I did it. I did slow down, especially on the hills, but I sped it up again when they were behind me. I high-fived lots of kids, I YMCA'ed when the music started up, I looked around me, I tried to smile, and I just soaked up the atmosphere. I didn't walk, I just pushed as hard as I could with my pace. I ended up with my second fastest marathon time ever - only 1:20 slower than my PB - on a bear of a course and with a smile on my face.

And hey, thanks to moving up an age group this year, I've actually requalified for Boston. With less than three minutes to spare, I don't think I would get in this year, however, but it's a good feeling. And, more importantly - I have qualified for a good for age place in the London marathon next year! As it's the Olympic year the London marathon is going to be an even bigger event than normal, so I'm really excited that I've got a guaranteed entry for the race.

My summer plans are busy, busy, busy though I'm not putting as much pressure on myself. But they deserve, and will get, a blog post of their own. For now, I feel I have wrapped up Boston and I am ready for the next thing!

I came, I saw, I conquered. Or Boston 2011.

2011-04-25T16:01:00.000Z

Hoo-ah! This is going to be long one because people - what a ride! I've been home 3 days, jet lag has hit us like a sledge hammer (nobody's asleep until midnight and getting everyone up in the morning is impossible, even when there are chocolate eggs hidden in the garden..) Laundry, various domestic problems (no water, no hot water, no internet - we've fixed everything but the first thing) - it's so easy to slip back into it all.

But I'm resisting that - because I'm going to bring you - blow by blow - my Boston marathon experience. Yup - sit back and pop a cold one, because this is, finally, it.

As you know, we all flew to Orlando for 10 days before Boston. This worked out great - apart from the fact that the kids enjoyed it enormously, I got some hot-weather training in, and we were all relaxing together it also gave me an opportunity for the first blogger meet-up of this trip - I got to meet someone who I have been wanting to meet for years - Shirley-Perly!

Sorry for the poor quality - we should have made more of an effort to get our cameras right!

Shirley and I managed to overlap in Orlando for about 36 hours so I can't tell you how grateful I was that she made the effort to drive across town to come and pick me up from my hotel, take me to the Track Shack where she occasionally helps out, help me pick my tri-gear (yes!) and take me back again. We talked the whole way - like the old friends we are. Shirley has always been inspiring to me - not only because she has achieved so much (50 states marathoner? Multiple IronMan?) but even more because her attitude has always been one of encouragement, support and a deep desire to get everyone on board with the fun and enjoyment of this exercise and endurance lifestyle. She did a great job on selling living in Kona to me - the least I can do is go and check it out sometime soon...

On Friday April 15th we headed north to Boston - after last year, our arrival in Boston was completely uneventful. But there was no mistaking just how excited Boston was about its marathon - this is our hotel, the incomparable Lenox Hotel. Not only was the place festooned with marathon posters, the staff were also incredible - helpful, kind, attentive. Situated about 50 yards from the finish line, we could not have picked a better place.

So straight off, we all headed down the road (5 minutes) to the expo. Bad photo but you get the idea. Big moment. Even bigger moment when I realised 5 minutes later I had lost my race number. Hrrmmm. Had put it down while picking up the 5K race bibs, and the people there very kindly hung onto the numbers for me, knowing full well I'd come speeding, pale and sweaty, into there very shortly. I then sent off Adam and Felix - the 8 year old - and the 10 year old and I had a wonderful time browsing the expo, buying an alarming amount of booty before heading back to the hotel.

The kids and I on this momentous moment.

some support from Sophia

View of the finish from a bus in front of our hotel.

The days before the marathon went by in a blur - Saturday morning the lovely Greg came miles in to meet us, walk with us to REI to buy some coats and fleeces (it was COLD!) and cope with the bickering and taunting and general mayhem that is traveling with kids.

Then in the afternoon I went off to meet lovely Emily, who was not running but staying with her sister near Heartbreak Hill and patiently walked with me up and down the worst bits... And took this photo!

see what I mean about Bostonians taking the city to heart?

We then took the T back into town to the Marriott to meet with various bloggers there, including Aron and many many others.

Like, even, including, her of the abz - EMZ! I also - yes! - met her PITA and Peanut who are both absolutely lovely and SO proud of this wonderful woman.

The angle does not show how tall and slim this lady is. Or gorgeous. And she's hiding her buckle.

Sunday was the 5K -we woke up at 7:55 (race started at 8am) but once again, our hotel location meant we made it before the gun went off! We ran it at a leisurely pace - the 8 year old has a LOT to talk about when he's running - but the crowd and other runner support was wonderful and it set us up for a great brunch afterwards at Stephanie's, where we could watch the runners in the local race and Invitational Mile go by. Before I knew it, it was time to hand over both children to my husband and check into my private hotel room, to chill out before the race. The hotel supplied both below and I settled in for a bath, some TV watching, a long and lovely phonecall with Lizzie Lee in Seattle. Pasta meal in the hotel and then bed. And, thankfully, I slept, all night, until my wake-up call at 5am.

With all my gear laid out the night before, it didn't take me long to get dressed and down to the hotel lobby where they'd laid out a free runner's breakfast (did I mention how GOOD this hotel is?) which I packed up to take with me to eat on the bus. And somehow did NOT have with me when I walked out of the hotel door. Oh well. The buses were about a 5 minute walk away, but the line! The line! By the time I had got myself another bagel the lines were enormous. I started queueing and immediately started talking to the lovely girl below - Allison. She was on her own as well and so we hung around together while we were moved from line to line. I was amazed we were on a bus by 7:30 as the lines were so horrendously long. The bus ride was long and uneventful while Allison and I overshared our lives and running stories. By the time we reached the athlete's village (does that sound professional or what, by the way? A very glammed up term for a field with portapotties..) we were firm friends. And so I managed to convince her to join me to try to find Steve Runner and Chris Russell - the former was located very quickly after some intervention from the announcer on the soundstage, the latter was, unfortunately, in a portapotty line.

Allison and I on the bus to Hopkinton


Steve Runner! I would not have KNOWN about Boston had it not been for him.

In all seriousness, meeting Steve really was a big deal to me - especially at the starting line of the Boston marathon. He, more than anyone else, imbued me with the mystique of the Boston marathon. It was incredible to meet him and I was so thrilled that he had decided, on the 16th of April, to run Boston after all..

Finally - the race. The race. What can I say? I did what I said I would do. I went balls to the wall. Pretty early on I realised that my Garmin was measuring the miles slightly short and so I went by my pace wrist band and aimed for 8:15 min/miles on my Garmin to get to my 8:20 min/miles on the course. The beginning of the course is downhill and rolling - and I pegged it. I reached the halfway point at 1:49, exactly where I needed to be for a 3:40 marathon. But - here is the but. I could tell the pace was costing me. Even on this, the first (and easier) half of the race, the pace was hard. By mile 14, the cramps in my legs started. I've never cramped this early and I could feel that I would soon have to slow down, or stop. While I'd used all sorts of mental strategies to get through the first 14 miles, it now was very clear to me that my choices were to either slow down, or risk a DNF. And I was not risking a DNF. I suddenly had this insight that I was not going to ruin this amazing experience of running this amazing race by walking half of it, or sitting in a medical tent, or crying for the last 10 miles. I decided to slow down, and soak up the love. Which I did. At mile 18.8 I got some very personal love from Emily who was waiting for me and who cried along with me (I was hurting here) and ran up Heartbreak with me for a while. And then, at mile 21, a banner told me "the Heartbreak is behind you" and I relaxed and enjoyed. More than any race before, I loved this race. The people were incredible, I felt like a rock star with everyone calling out my name, I was running as fast as I could given where I was and how I was feeling, the sun was shining - all was good with the world. And when I crossed that finish line - in 3:47:02 - I did cry. With happiness. What a wonderful, wonderful day!


Could I look any happier?

There is stuff to reflect on, stuff to build on, so much to work with. But right now I have to say a HUGE thank you to all of you, my friends out there in the blogging community, my friends at home in the UK and the Netherlands, my wonderful family and all of you who cheered me on - not only for this race but for the whole long road that led to it. I felt I owed it to you all to get EVERYTHING out of myself and this race - and I did. I truly left it all out there this time - and there was no death walk (like London) or time in the medical tent (like Berlin). On a course that is much tougher than either London or Berlin, I achieved my second fastest time ever and I crossed the finish line strong, but spent. I soaked up every cheer, every high 5, every single well-wish and thoughful email you all sent me. I thought of everyone during the race - I felt surrounded by a wave of love and support. Thank you - you are - all of you - incredible.

So - I'm signing off this LONG race report - have a Von Trapp family ale on me!

On setting goals - Mann macht und Gott lacht?

2011-04-03T21:38:00.000Z

Ok. Deep breath, here goes. Setting goals. For Boston, and onwards.

On this morning's 8 miler I was trying to figure out what I find so hard about setting goals, and why I find it so hard. And the truth of the matter is not that I find it hard to set goals. I know what I want to achieve. But I'm afraid I might not achieve them. And that's why I don't like to tell people. Like I can just have my secret goal, play it cool, and then do a great big fistpump if I do achieve it. And don't have to deal with it in public if I don't. Instinctively, I feel like the kid in the playground - if I put it out there what I want to do and fail to achieve that, will you think less of me? Oh, I know that is cr*p but still - I think that's what lies underneath my fear of outlining what I really want.

But then all the self-help / motivational / inspirational / St. Oprah philosophy that I somewhat shamefacedly have started to get into says that you have to put your goal out there, to be accountable, to make it real. Building in all sorts of caveats is a way of detouring from your goal. Keep it simple - focus.

So, my goal for Boston. I've played around with different kinds of goals - time goals, experience goals, effort goals. My coach has never messed around. Right when we started, early in December, and I ran my rough and ready first 2 miles on the treadmill, she told me what my goal was. A 3:40 finish. Yup. That was scary, which is why I haven't put it out there any earlier. That would be a 5 minute and 47 second PR on a harder course. Hard. All through the months of December, January, February and March, this goal seemed to dance in front of my eyes. Really? Me? She thinks I can do this? Only last night I was driving myself nuts, comparing my training notes from this training cycle to my (entirely different) training cycles for London and Berlin, and worrying that I was not as fast as I was then.

But today I got to thinking. Despite the fact that I BQ'ed in Berlin (and faced some pretty big DNF demons along the course) my best race ever was London. Why? Because - shortly before the start - someone I had just met told me not to be coy about it - to go out hard and hammer it as best I could. I had not trained all this time, he told me, to just be conservative. Be smart, by all means, but leave it all out there. And just like that, I let go of my old racing strategy (which had always been to start slowly and see if I could pick it up, which I rarely did) and I hammered it. And well, I did hammer it, right up until mile 25 when it hammered me. But that was fine. I was always fine with my time, and my missed BQ. I had left it out there, there was nothing more I could have done. I had focus, I committed to my goal and I went for it.

So, my friends - I'm out there and I'm doing it. I'm going for a 3:40. I have a race strategy - thank you Coach! - and a plan. But more than that, I have an attitude. There are things I can't control about the race - weather, illness, injury, whatever. But I can control how I'm going to go in. And I'm going into this balls against the wall, my friends. All out. I am giving my goal all I've got, all I've put in, all I've trained for. 2 weeks to go - bring it on!

Lining up.

2011-04-02T18:54:00.000Z

Yes it has been a while. And no, I have not been hanging my head down low worrying about my 20M race. Your comments were wonderful and helpful, and I moved on. Instead, I have been "doing the rest of my life" and training on the side... Not the priorities a pro would have but my profession IS the rest of my life and training is the icing on the cake. Some days...

Life that have happened in the past 3 weeks:
- the remodel of our kitchen


The project has taken MONTHS but was completed 2 weeks ago. It has taken a LOT of cleaning and dusting since, but we're loving it.

- spent time with a much-loved friend from Holland who I had not seen in too long. 2 days of shopping, talking and drinking wine ensued. Interspersed with a NASTY twofer which included 3M at 7:32 min/mile.


The fuzziness was in the camera, not in my mind!

- attended my daughter AND my son's school plays:


Sophia as "little Alice" in Alice in Wonderland (sadly, there were no good photos of Felix's play)

- moved into my new study and unpacked all the books which have been boxed for nearly 2 years!

But do not fret. In the middle of the various domestic crises (today's crisis is the discovery of moths eating our carpets, we've already overcome the weekend where we had no electricity and the main drain was blocked) I have kept my eyes on the prize. This one:

I have been training, hard. And I have been planning. Boston is coming close. Packing up and organising a family of 4 to travel for 16 days is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. But having a goal focuses the mind. Now - to be fair - my children's goals lie firmly in Orlando. 10 days of theme parks. (Tips on healthy, wholesome restaurants would be VERY gratefully received). But on Friday April 15th our gang travels from Orlando to Boston and then the focus will be on the marathon. I am looking forward to meeting people, going to the expo, and - of course - the race.

Of which more shortly. I am pondering a post on goal-setting, but I'm scared to do it. Scared to put myself out there. Give me another day or so. I will be back.

Training for success?

2011-03-14T20:09:00.000Z

This was going to be a post about my new Lenten resolution. I was listening to a Phedippidations episode recently where Steve Runner suggested that instead of giving something up for Lent you made a commitment to spend the Lenten period going over your life, outlining your goals and the direction of your life and working out whether you were where you wanted to be and if not, what you could do about it. Noble, and after a long run it was absorbed, as my father would say, like a sermon to an elder (it works better in Dutch, this, als een preek in een ouderling).

All well and good. Inspired by Amanda's prolific journaling (she has 3 tiny children! She runs like the the wind! and she maintains MASSES of journals AND her husband writes meaningful thoughtful considered comments in their marriage journal! If I didn't adore this woman I'd have to resent her!) I decided I would try to write in my journal every evening and come to meaningful conclusions about my life, where it's taking me, what I need to work on, what I need to be grateful for. Etc. (No marriage journal yet - I'm staying within the bounds of realism here folks. I adore my husband, and it's mutual, but he's English).

Anyhoo. I was also going to post about effective goal-setting, and how I was doing this, and how this meant I was going to kick some mental *ss on Sunday by running the Ashby 20 miler exactly as the coach specified - 12 miles easy, last 8 at goal pace.

Life sort of took over. First off, the week leading up to this race weekend was too hectic for me to get my post in. (And therefore, probably, too hectic for me to actually prepare mentally). I drove hundreds of miles to pick children up at races and reading competitions, drop children off, sort out bits and bobs for my kitchen which is nearly done, etc. etc. Then I went to bed too late the night before the race and aaarggh - woke up at 1am and started one of my rare but very unpleasant sleepless nights. The adrenalin about the race was coarsing through my veins, I was piling on the pressure. (Note - I'm pretty emotionally full-on when sober, rested and in daylight. At 2am I am unbearable. I know that). I probably fell asleep around 4:30, and the alarm went off at 6:30. Bleary-eyed, I drove the 90 minutes to the race start only to find I was fairly underdressed for a damp, cold and windy day. Nonetheless, I warmed up for 2 miles (coach had decided to make today my first ever 22 miler in training) and started full of good cheer and happiness and happily ploughed along for the first 12 hilly miles at a 9:40 minute mile pace. I noted the hills, felt some fear, but then told myself I'd be fine. And for 3 miles, I was. Running slowly had put me towards the end of the pack and speeding up I found myself overtaking everyone - even on the uphills. I was really pushing. And then, 3.3 miles into race pace land (15.3 miles into the race for those counting), I was done. Spent. Exhausted. I made a split-second decision to go to plan B - finish the race - and switched off the Garmin program. I slowed down to RP +20/30 and made it to the finish, still continuously overtaking people (not a ONE person overtook me, even when i had to stop and stretch out my cramping left leg 3 times in the last mile). Finally, I finished in 3:08.

Not an abysmal race. I ran it in much better conditions in 3:07 2 years ago. But still. I had failed to achieve what I had set out to do. I had tried to convince myself I could do those last 8 miles at RP and I had failed. I know I'm not meant to think that, but I do.

I've come home, had a bath, slept like a log, and feel a bit better today. My legs are fine, my knee's held up. My ego is still feeling a bit battered (not aided by race photos which are just BEYOND hideous. I do NOT look like that. I know I said I wasn't going to be comparing myself but right now that is too challenging) but I'll just have to man up and do better. Coach and I have talked and I think lack of sleep and bad nutrition (only one GU) have contributed. Onwards and upwards.

In the meantime, I want your views on this running metaphysical question - how do I push myself, reset my central governor, focus on my time goal AND at the same time make it okay for myself if things do not work out for me in Boston? Tips / tricks and advice most gratefully received.

Finally - ending on an upnote - this race has the best goodie bag I know. A big comfortable soft hooded top and a cheese and tomato sandwich. All I was missing was a bottle of beer and I might just have gotten over myself somewhat sooner...

Petra's ABC.

2011-03-04T07:08:00.000Z

Have seen this everywhere and like it - so here's mine. Feel free to cut and paste and join in!

A~Age: 39. 40 this year and looking forward to it - things keep getting better.

B~ Bed Size: Superking - it's lovely.

C~Chore you hate: ironing and putting laundry away. It's a Sisyphean task. I always give up halfway and everyone ends up dressing out of the laundry basket.

D~Dogs: Two. Frank and Alfie - 2 Jack Russells. They've been dognapped by my FIL though who feeds them roast chicken and soaked liver (yuck) so they just come to see me to pee against the furniture. Hmm. I prefer my cat, Pippi.

E~Essential Start your Day Item: Cup of Earl Grey first, then lots of coffee.

F~Favorite Color: purple

G~Gold or Silver: hmmm. both.

H~Height: 5'4" - I suspect I might be the shortest Dutch person you've ever heard of. The runt of the Dutch litter. It's much more comfortable in the UK.

I~Instruments you play: used to play the piano.

J~Job Title: web designer - jack of all trades, master of none.

K~Kids: 2 - 10 year old Sophia and 8 year old Felix. Lights of my life.

L~Live: Lincolnshire. I've lived all over the world and never thought I'd end up living on a farm in rural England. I've now lived here longer than anywhere else and it's home. I like it. I'm free here.

M~Mom’s name: Janny - pronounced Yanni (yes).

N~Nicknames: Peet, petch, molly, booshka.

O~Overnight Hospital Stays: 2 when I was a teen for various surgeries on my nasal cavities (hmm) and 2 to have my kids.

P~Pet Peeve: Where do I start? People who say "I was sat" instead of "I was sitting" or even worse "I were sat". Facial hair with food in it. People with chips on shoulder - it's just boring. Self-pity in myself and others. The crappy food you get served at big functions. Just give me an apple.

Q~Quote from a Movie: I don't remember these very well - I love Pulp Fiction though and all I can think is "Zed's dead. Zed's dead baby."

R~Right or Left Handed: Left. Have figured out how to use my right hand as well though - ambidextrous!

S~Siblings: One, younger brother Erik.

T~Time you wake up: 6am.

U~Underwear: Hate thongs for what they do for you when you have to suddenly brake in a car. Also for how I look in them. I like boring bikini pants - spend nothing on underwear really..

V~Vegetable you Dislike: okra.

W~What Makes You Late: fooling around on the internet.

X~X-rays You’ve had Done:none

Y~Yummy Food you Make: banana maple pecan cake, quinoa salad, lemon chicken, spaghetti with meatballs - bring it on!

Z~Zoo Animal Favorite: penguins.

Back in action.

2011-02-28T09:30:00.000Z

I was just looking at the February stats and despite my positive outlook in my blog last week, I was a bit shocked to see only 117 miles in there in February. Gulp. But there was no way round it - I had to take time off when I felt my knee injury happen. The good news is that I'm back on the road, however. I started the week with a cautious 3 miler and then progressed to an 8 miler, a 10 miler and a 20 miler. 41 miles as a cautious step back - I'll take it. My knee held up during the 20 miler yesterday and seems to well on the road to recovery.

7 weeks out from Boston, I'm beginning to try to line up the have to's for the race:

I need to set myself some goals. I have never done this before - I have had goals, secret goals, but have tended to keep them to myself as I was afraid that saying them out loud might make me look ridiculous if I failed to achieve them. I have been reading your blogs and so many of you believe in the power of putting your goals out there and positive visualisation that I'm going to do this. Any tips / tricks / suggested reading material?
Fuel. I have struggled with fuel in my most recent marathons, almost always being too nauseous to eat by mile 15 which has not helped the last tough miles. My past 2 marathons were very warm and it appears Boston could be, well, any kind of weather. This training cycle I have found myself avoiding sports drinks completely. The thought of them right now makes me feel sick. I have had chocolate outrage GUs every 5 miles for a long run and drunk water - it seems to be okay - but I have not practised eating while running at race pace. I think running faster definitely affects my stomach so again - tips / tricks? I find myself craving real food during races - peanut butter sandwiches in particular. Has anyone practised with real food? I have also, in the past, made "real" sports drinks - half orange juice, half water and some salt. What are your views on that as opposed to Gatorade? Am I missing much in terms of electrolytes etc?
Race gear. Given that the weather in Boston could be anything and that I will be doing most of my taper in sunny Florida in the 10 days leading up to Boston I'll be bringing shorts and short sleeves and one set of warmer things. Coach Zippy's advice in a blogpost some time ago, that you should always feel cold at the beginning of a race, has stuck with me. I have certainly been guilty of overdressing in the past and overheat very quickly, so might well just put some throwaway warm stuff on and have gloves and arm warmers to deal with the rest.

Look at that! Just like her mother - another happy runner!

What else people? What should I be thinking about? Given my recent injury AND the fact that my 10 year old is running in a national cross country championship on Sunday (I know! It's a new passion for her and I am SO proud!) I am skipping next Sunday's half marathon and instead doing a 20 mile race the week after - Coach and I will be working out exactly how I'm going to use that race as a gauge of where I'm at and how to run it. It will be interesting - it's a hilly course so that will be a good test for me.

I imagine that the next 4/5 weeks will be some really heavy-duty training but my unexpected 9 days off has given me real fire for March - bring it on Coach because I am READY to run.

Watching from the sidelines

2011-02-18T07:42:00.001Z

Well, it was all going rather well. I ran my first 20 miler last Wednesday, as a progression run (also a first) and felt strong and happy throughout. I eased off with a 6 miler on Thursday and another easy 6 on Friday. And then - out of the blue - knee pain. Yes - you groan! You've been there before, and so have I. I took the weekend off and went in to see my osteopath on Tuesday. He's not overly concerned - tight and tired quads have affected the tracking of my kneecap and he seems to think rest will do the trick. Humph. I'm now on day 7 (and yes, counting) of my "rest" and it's not where I wanted to be.

how to waterproof your garmin before your 20 miler

running fuel - maybe not the best but it tasted great!

But something is different this time round. I have had injuries like this in most training cycles. I have trained through them and taken time off and I've always come out the other end. Jonathan has been treating my knees since my very first marathon and has this crazy memory for how tight my legs have been in previous training cycles, and he's not worried. What's different is that I'm just not as antsy about this injury as I've been in the past. (I've only googled it for 5 minutes people!). I'm assuming that I will soon be on the road again, I'm seeing him today and will find out what he thinks. Due to last year's experiment with cross-training I will get myself in the pool and on the bike - carefully - this weekend - if I can't run. I think that if I can just stay active in the next week, I will be able to cope mentally with the fact that my training has suffered a setback.

Also - life is busy. My two kids are on holiday this week and next, I'm working part-time and some home renovations are finally coming together. I have been using my time off the road to do things I had left aside. We were in Dublin last weekend with my daughter (the city will forever, despite what I say here, be associated with the injury) and I'm off to London next week with my son. There's plenty of distraction.

fun in Dublin despite my injury

It's weird. I'm not even having panic attacks about my projected time in Boston and slipping away from my goal. Maybe the BAA's convoluted new entry system for Boston has been a help. I've got a funny feeling that the speedsters (20 minutes faster than a BQ, anyone?) will fill up the marathon long before people like myself (13 seconds to spare) get a chance. And I'm fine with that. I guess they had to figure out a system to deal with everyone who wanted to run it. In my view, they've lost something essential in this process - the BQ is gone, people - you need a BQ - 20 minutes now - but, whatever. I qualified fairly and squarely to run in THIS year's race, my hotel is booked, my flight is booked, my kids are psyched. I have been busting a gut for my coach, and I will continue to do so when I'm able to. I have been loving, loving, loving this training. Who knows? All might well be fine on the day. And if I'm not on top form, I'll still be in good shape to soak every bit of this wonderful, amazing marathon that I'm lucky enough to be able to run. Will I ever qualify for it again? I really don't know. Do I care? Not really. The world is full of great races and great marathons and fun experiences to be had running with friends and running buddies. Boston's a HUGE notch on my running bedpost, but there are others I still want to run. And other blogging buddies I still want to meet.

I was reading a really moving post by Amanda recently about her frustrations about her injury and I can relate to a lot of her feelings. But one key phrase in her blog really stood out - and it's what I'm working on this year. Don't compare yourself to others...Be the best YOU you can be. It went through my head when I got out of the pool on Wednesday (1400m - it felt hard!) and I saw this 25 year old standing by the side of the pool in her bikini in her amazing body. In the past I would have hidden in my towel, but I made myself walk past her, chanting to myself "this is my body and I love it". Nuts, maybe, but it worked. Too much of the past 39 years have been wasted comparing myself - physically, mentally - with others and it's a useless exercise.

I will be at the starting line in Hopkinton and run the very best race I can run. And I hope to see you out there!

My new relationship - a cut out 'n keep guide

2011-02-05T18:23:00.000Z

I mentioned in September that I had joined our local gym (again - I have joined and left three times now) and to my great surprise I have found that this time, I am using it enough to justify my membership fees (3+ times a week). I am doing my weekly swimming lessons (though not every week, necessarily) and have worked out a weights / strength routine which I can fit in around my running and which is not too complicated (a guaranteed turn-off for me). And I use the treadmill. I started using it on and off this autumn and it has steadily become a firm element of my training routine. Bizarrely enough, I feel a bit embarrassed blogging about this. I have always believed that to train to race outside, you have to run outside. And I still believe that.

But, there are some moments where a treadmill really is rather handy. I have come to love it for speed workouts - without access to a track, this is the most accurate way for me to control my distance and speed, far superior to working out with my Garmin. (I still tend to run my pace workouts outside). And then, sometimes the outside can be inhospitable (2 feet of snow, anyone?) that while going for a run might prove your bad-assedness, you achieve little in terms of a quality workout. On balance, I have tended to do about 1 or 2 of my weekly workouts on the treadmill, choosing to do most of my recovery, tempo and long runs outside. However, this weekend we have had treacherously high winds. Not of an Australian speed, but still about 50km/h. Going out for an easy 5 yesterday I had to dodge a few large branches crashing onto the country road around me, and within half a mile I packed my run in and headed to the treadmill. Overnight the wind did not die down, and I was facing running an 18 miler in it. So, for the first time, I contemplated running 18 miles on the treadmill. People do it - I know. People I like and respect - Jill, Matt, Emz - do it. But I really wasn't sure how I was going to do this without falling off the back of the treadmill with boredom. So I emailed Emz and asked her to do it. And she told me. And I printed out the email and brought sellotape to the gym and taped her email to the treadmill. And I did it. I ran 18 miles on the treadmill. I did not die of boredom, I did not give up, I did it. With a smile on my face, most of the time actually - I felt like a million dollars. And I then realised that, given that even people in Texas are facing snowdays, I have to pay this forward. So without further ado, I present to you the content of Emz email that got me through this - just cut along the dotted line and don't forget to bring your sellotape.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You. Will. Freaking. Rock. It.

Break it up into pieces. 6 miles x 3.

You may call this nuts but........
I run the first third [6 miles] w/o distractions [tv, music, etc].

Keep. Your. Thoughts. Positive.

You staying positive it what will get you through this & dare I say....may make this your best long run yet. ;)

Focus on your form. Your breathing.

Second 6.....turn on the tunes. You will be amazed how fast these 6 fly by.

Next 5....do whatever works. Tv. Podcast. Etc. I have seen people at my gym tie on their iPads w/rope like stuff...you may want to try that?!

Last mile....kick it up one notch faster. For. Me.

Now.... Petra. You know I'm a little nuts.

Treadmill running. Is. Mental. Meaning your attitude when you hop on that mill needs to be "I've got this", "this is going to be a great run". If you hop on thinking you are going to be bored & turn "mental" in two miles.....you will. For sure.

Just don't tell yourself anything even close to negative.

Keep the incline at at least 1% incline but keep it between 1-2.5% if you need a change.

Stay. Positive. The. Whole. Run.

You've
Freaking
Got
This.

Take a photo of the mill when you are done. :)

Emz
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did just that. I got on the treadmill and told myself "I've got this". I pushed every doubt out of my mind as soon as it appeared. None of that for me today. I ran the first 6 miles without any music. There were people in the gym to gawk at, there were tv screens to look at (without headphones, does that count?), I made a point of focusing on my form and breathing whenever I could remember (at every km, in this imperial country we have metric treadmills for some reason). Done. Anyone can do 6 miles. For the second 6 I had loaded my 10 year old's Now That's What I Call Music 77 onto my iPod. Call me grannie (come on! I dare you!) but I have missed some great tunes in this past year or so. Top powersongs I discovered on these 6 miles were Milkshake (Kelis), Shut Up (Black Eyed Peas), Cha Cha Slide (DJ Casper), Jump (Girls Aloud). I was rocking along and again, the miles went past quickly. I was varying the incline, keeping the base at 1.5 % but varying it up to 2 for 1K, up to 2.5 for 1K, down to 1 for .5K and back to 1.5% - there was no system to it but I was just trying to make sure my legs did not do exactly the same thing for too long. For the last 6 I started off with a podcast, but I could suddenly feel my mojo slipping. Only one thing for it - before I had a moment's further doubt, I found myself some Britney. Three plays of Toxic and I was back on it. I had promised Emz that I would run my last mile faster and while I had run the whole workout at the 9:30 min/mile I dropped to an 8:45 for the last mile. Yeah, yeah - not setting the world on fire here I know but that wasn't the point. I did it. And I loved it!

So not a good look. This is why the over 35s do not do FaceTime.

See the taped-up piece of paper on the treadmill just behind my elbow?

Don't worry - I will still be doing the vast majority of my running outside. But I am more amazed than anything that I was able to change my attitude towards something so quickly and so effectively. I should try this on pizza, red wine and Ben and Jerry's next. After I have some...

Keeping it all together.

2011-02-01T09:58:00.000Z

Spoiler alert - I don't always keep it all together. Just this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at my virtual inbox, ignoring my real inbox, and trying to think of a way to do it all. Oh, I have all the productivity tools and books and gadgets - one of my favourite ways to procrastinate is to read about productivity - but when push comes to shove, when it's 6am and I wake up a blind panic at ALL I NEED TO GET DONE I freeze like a rabbit in the headlights. And do very very little.

I was thinking about this because a blogging friend of mine - yours too, probably - Emz recently lost a "follower", because, in the words of her follower Emz had initially seemed to be a "serious runner" but on the follower's reflection seemed to have a lot of "filler posts". What she appeared to mean with this is that Emz writes about other stuff than running, that Emz has other things going on in her life. I was astounded by this comment. First off - Emz is a serious runner. Serious because she runs. And, not that this makes her a more serious runner, but it just so happens that she runs 3:20 marathons and works really really hard at being a good runner. So, in terms of commitment and achievement, she's got what it takes (she also has the BEST abs in the entire world but that's beside the point. Filler, if you like). But the real thing that astounds me is that idea that we, as runners, wouldn't have "filler". Or a life, as you could also call it.

My life is full to busting with filler right now. We are finally getting to the good bits of some major redecoration in this house, so there are endless trips to paint shops and decisions and drawings and considerations. My kids have had all sorts of emotional stuff going on in their lives recently which I've been heavily involved with. My husband's businesses are doing really well (thank goodness) but I'm required to lend a hand with that, and what I thought was a dormant career is proving to be waking up. What's interesting to me in all of your blogs is not just the running and the training and the race reports - but how you're doing this in the middle of all your life, whatever your life might be like. Even the pros - could you get more "serious runner" than Kara Goucher? - have filler - she didn't race as well as she could have recently because she spent nights by her son's bed in hospital.

It really bothers me that there is this kind of stuff going in the running community. You can see it in the discussions around Boston qualifying standards, discussions about race cut-off times, discussions about walkers in races. I'm not saying we should not discuss this - we should, absolutely, debate these issues - but please don't look at other runners and tell them they are not serious runners. Speed has nothing to do it. Commitment is harder to measure, but a far better way of knowing. Run your own race people - and leave others to do the same!

I'm in real ranting form at the moment aren't I? I guess I'm trying to get my head round various things that have been percolating for a long time, and I'm wanting to work them out and move on. Turning 40 this year can, I know, be a tough thing but I really want to take stock of thoughts and habits that might not be working anymore, and move ahead with the constructive ones. "Filler" can take over, and sometimes you need to step back and work out which filler matters..

So onto my running - have you stopped following me yet? It is going seriously well. I am still loving having a coach. I didn't realise how much mental energy I was expending working out pacing and training and then trying to determine whether I was working hard enough or too hard. Now I just do what she says. Generally I assume that whatever she sets me to do, I can do. Revelatory recent runs?

a very hilly 18 miler. Last year I was trying to pound out all my long runs at below a 9 minute mile. Looking back, I think I tired myself out on the long runs and thereby lacked quality in my speed and pace work. Coach makes me run my long runs slow and so I'm focusing on form and endurance, rather than getting round quick. There'll be a time for that, but that's not now. The 18 miles was very hilly and because I was hitting it in 2 out and backs, the hills never stopped, but I still made it round comfortably, finished strong (and fast) and averaged a 9:07.
my first two-fer - 3 easy miles in the morning, then 7 miles of 800 repeats at 7 min/miles and a 1600m at 7:11 min/mile. Not easy, but did it. Can't quite believe it!

I can't quite put my finger on it but I have my mojo back. I feel strong and able in my running. I am prioritising it in my life, dropping other balls when I have to / am able to and - most importantly - really enjoying the training.

So onto February, which will no doubt be a month full of "filler" - bring it on!

Making the grade.

2011-01-13T22:50:00.001Z

Or not quite making it.

I have been thinking about this ever since I "failed" a workout set me by my coach last week. 8 x 800m up a hill at 7.11 min/mile. It was snowy, there was some slippage. I had an excuse. But really - there was NO way I could do that. I think I could possibly run 8 x 800m at 7.11 min/mile on a flat surface. On a good day. But up a hill? I don't think I could. Coach understood and adjusted. Then, this evening, I could not bring myself to do the tempo run set. Again, an excuse - the gym was as hot as an oven as the A/C had broken down and also - dang I love to run my tempos outside on my quiet country roads. I just do. And I DID manage that tempo last week so darn it, I'm going to hit it tomorrow morning.

I've been reading some blog posts - I am waaaaayyy behind but will catch up - by some very hardcore, tough ass runners. And I admire you, you hardcore, tough ass runners. You are amazing. Elizabeth Waterstraat wrote an excellent post on facing your fears and HingTFU. I've been seeing how you look - Elizabeth, and you too Kara, and I've been admiring from a distance, because I'm not sure I dare sign on, Shut Up and Run's uncompromising, brave and hilarious blog. In the past few weeks I have watched people around me resolve, lose their resolve, and get back on that New Year's wagon. I admire, applaud, and support all of these brave moves. I've signed up with WeightWatchers. I want to look like Kara,

like Elizabeth, like Miss Zippy, like ShutupandRun. Like so many of you for whom endurance sport is the defining strain of your lifestyle. And your amazing bodies demonstrate that.

Then today I was saying to my husband that I was desperate to lose 4 kilos. With the silent promise so many of you know - then, then. Then it will all happen. 4 kilos is what stands between me and greatness. And then he said to me that I looked gorgeous, strong, fit now. I looked like a 39 year old woman who worked hard, ran hard, trained hard, but who was still a woman. And I reflected that - when I was 4 kilos lighter, not so long ago, I looked more drawn, more strained, but I still had those legs, that ass - I am NEVER going to look like Kara, or Elizabeth, Miss Zippy or ShutupandRun. I can, in Saint Oprah's words, strive to be the best me, but heading towards my 40th, it's the best ME I want to be going towards. Let Kara be the best Kara, Elizabeth the best Elizabeth, etc. Let Petra be the best Petra. And oh when will I learn to stop comparing and start just being me? For all you youngsters out there, I'm warning you, you might not be there yet at 39. Just sayin.

And then my wonderful coach, Miss Zippy, confirmed to me that she is the right person to be my coach right now. She is struggling with injury right now and has written a very moving post on how life is missing something without running and how nothing else can take that place. And I read all the comments - including someone who was telling about a lady who'd rather walk than not run 8 minute miles. And it made me think. In the past year I have followed my extremely dear and talented friend Jen go from someone obsessed with times and results to someone who has readjusted to finding balance and joy in her life. Without focusing entirely on how fast she is, or who she is beating. And I realised that, more than anything else, I just love running. Running has changed my life. I don't think I would be who I am right now without it. 7 1/2 years on from that first halting painful first half mile, it has become an integral part of me.

But I lack the singlemindedness of the athlete. I think I could cope with not running fast. (I bet Paula Radcliffe just sighed with relief). I think I could cope with running slow miles. Unlike that woman in the comments, I could cope with not 8 minute miling (cr*p, I couldn't cope with 8 minute miling tonight as a tempo run and I'm still standing and will go out tomorrow morning for a run - I know I can cope with that!). Like Miss Zippy, when I've not been able to run it's been a hole in my life. But as long as I can run, I realise I can cope with not always running this fast. And don't get me wrong here, by the way. I am going kick the hell out of my training plan. I am going to nail that workout tomorrow morning. I know I need to work on my mindset, and I'm doing that (Tim Noakes, bring on your governor!). Boston is great and I can't wait to run it. And I will run my heart out, and my ass off - whatever time that gives me. But. I also know that I also love my long slow runs through the countryside where I'm not really concerned with my pace and just listening to my podcasts. I love the many, many, many friends running has given me and the fun stuff my running leads to. I love it more.

So maybe my lack of single-mindedness means that sometimes I miss an interval workout, unlike Elizabeth. And maybe she thinks I should HTFU instead of sloping home, having a bath with a glass of merlot and heading to bed with a crime novel. But that's her, and this is me.

Tomorrow is another day. And I will be out on that road. Running the best I can. So let's wash all that stuff of - that fear of failure, that fear of being too fat, too slow, somehow not being good enough. Break the ice with me and come for a swim. Anytime!

Out with the old, in with the new - give it to me 2011!

2010-12-31T13:33:00.003Z

Hope you had a good Christmas? We did - we started off the holidays with a Santa run and have been charging through the weeks ever since. And almost before I realised it - in the brief breather between Christmas, boxing day, Felix's birthday (December 27th) - and New Year - it's the 31st!

2010 was the year that did not go as planned. Har dee har har I hear you laughing - life's like that - and I knew that, but I don't think I really knew it. So 2010 came along to make that point to me. You all know that at the very last moment I found myself unable to travel to Boston to run the marathon there. It was an enormous disappointment which to some extent overshadowed my feelings about running for a long time afterwards. You may also have gathered, through my frequent cryptic references, that 2010 has also been a very challenging year for me on a personal and emotional level.

Yet, as I lie in bed thinking about everything that has happened in this past year, I feel that both experiences, unpleasant as they were at the time, have been instrumental in pushing forward personal growth and development. I joked about it at the time, but failing to get to that starting line in Hopkinton really did force me to surrender to the universe. I am not always in charge. And I was able to use that experience when things got rough on personal level - where in the past I have always tried to "fix" things and problems, I realised this summer that sometimes you must let things be as they are with people as well. Actions have consequences and instead of always trying to undo them or change them, sometimes you just need to let things unfold as they will. Oh big stuff, I know, and hardly stuff I'm done figuring out. But I do feel happier with where I stand, and stronger for battling through it.

And my running? This has not been a year of PRs or medals. My Boston training cycle was mixed - I was exhausted for a lot of it. I abandoned my training for the Nottingham marathon due to exhaustion presumed to be the result of anemia. I ran very few races. But it has been a year where my training, however unsuccessful at times, has proved a mainstay and an anchor. Having something to do, a goal to achieve, however unrealistic at times, has helped me through. And on. And in the course of this year, I also discovered how much I enjoyed biking and swimming. My progress in both areas is slow - I am still taking swimming lessons and my bike has not been out for a month due to the diabolical weather - but I have signed up for the London triathlon next summer and will be out there training for that AND my London to Paris bikeride as soon as I have finished Boston.

And let's just talk about Boston for a minute. Training for Boston is going well. I have said it before and I will bore you with it again - I love having a coach. She tells me what to do - I do it. When I panic - which I did earlier this week because I was worried I wasn't exhausted enough by my training - I email her and ask her whether I should panic and she emails me straight back and tells me no, I'm fine, I'm building a base and some speed, and the long runs are ahead of me, and then I stop panicking because, you know, she's got a plan for me! She knows what she's doing - I just need to continue doing it. And the logistics for Boston have fallen into place as well. I didn't want to blog about it any earlier for fear that my kids might read this and realise what that dastardly Santa had in store for them but our big Christmas present this year was that on April 5th, we will all fly out to Orlando for 10 days (with ALL that entails, including, I hope, some running with my Florida peeps) and then on the Friday before the marathon we will fly up to Boston and squeeze into one room at the Lenox Hotel together and my kids and husband will be able to cheer me on in the race - how cool is that? They would have been unable to join me this year, so this definitely makes running it in 2011 extra special..

There is so much to look forward to in 2011. Not just the races and the trip with my family, but I am also turning 40 and am looking forward to it. It's a milestone and I'm so happy to be heading there in good health and spirits and with so much good fortune in my life. I'm not sure yet how to celebrate it - any suggestions welcome. If you can include some travel and a race, all the better!

And last but not least - you all have made 2010 for me. You, my blogging buddies, are real people and real friends. Your comments, views and insights have been invaluable. I was lucky enough to meet some of you this year and hope to meet many more next year - either in Boston, Florida or maybe here?

Merry new 2011. May it bring you ALL you hope for. And come run with me.

Poop - or love from Minnesota.

2010-12-17T20:35:00.003Z

Ah. I see the Minnesota Moose Poop has raised some comments. You're just jealous because you want yourselves some love from Minnesota! Shame on all of you potty brains - the book is amazing (and it's not too late to get Amazon to ship it to you - consider this my offer to send a loved one a helpful hint email)! Anyway - I just thought I'd delve a bit further into the poop - for journalism's sake.

Forgive the rather bad photo. Check out the link above for a better shot of the packaging.

yes I know you need to hold your computer in front of a mirror to read this. Let me help you, it says "Certified Fresh from the Producer" (so far so worrying) and then the magic words "Chocolate Panned Peanuts".

Poop in mouth (never thought I'd post that sentence on my blog)

all done

Have a good weekend's running all of you!

Secret Santa delivers early!

2010-12-17T16:29:00.004Z

A few weeks ago I entered the lovely, lovely Jill's Secret Santa gift exchange - as I don't work in an office or with colleagues (that makes me sound fun doesn't it?) I feel deprived of this particular Christmas tradition and it seemed that having this giveaway between runners and triathletes would be a better guarantee than usual that you'd actually end up with a good present. I was not wrong! Santa is obviously not as flummoxed by snow and ice as Amazon has been and got his present to me early, all the way from ~~Minnesota~~ The North Pole! ~~Julie (of Julie's Running blog)~~ Santa apologised for spending more than she should have - a first for Santa - but said she just had to get this for me! Wonderful, wonderful Santa. I documented every step:

brown paper packages - exciting!

beautiful pink tissue paper - what a lovely touch ~~Julie~~ Santa!

And then this - a wonderful new running book AND some Minnesota Moose Poop!! I love it ~~Julie~~ Santa - thank you!

And thanks also go to my lovely friend Jill who set all this up. As you can see, organising it was VERY strenuous but she (with the help of Tara AND chips and beer - everyone KNOWS that stuff helps) managed to set it all up and what a great idea it is! This is just what I needed to say goodbye to the Grinch who has been living in my head this past week (not enough time, not enough money, too much )(*)&*&^*%&^% Christmas music, too many people in towns, what's with this traffic?) and to move into a mood where I realise it is a wonderful time of year to stop and think warm and fuzzy thoughts about the wonderful people in my life and all the joy they bring me. I would wish you a Merry Christmas but I won't - there's more blogging to come before then. Enjoy the weekend though - I've got my long run in already (haha!)......

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2010-12-09T19:25:00.010Z

Okay, okay - I need very little - NO - excuse to post this video. Man, I love it! We European Gleeks have been deprived of Glee Season 2 until January which means that we will be watching the Christmas episode around Easter. Baaaaaaad timing! But something tells me I will still enjoy this delectable number JUST as much then. Anyway. Let's move on.

So! I was going to tell you all about training for Boston with my coach. But things got derailed there for a little while. Because, Baby, it HAS been cold outside. It's still cold outside. Last week, after I put up my post of a snowy run, the weather went totally crazy. We rarely get much snow here in England, and then, overnight, we got a foot of the stuff. The country - at least our side of it, and those who live north of us, shut down. Schools closed, roads closed. It was unbelievable. My husband has a 4X4 and spent some very stressful days making sure that the milk from our cows - vast quantities of the stuff - could be collected every day and that his various other businesses could stay operational. In the meantime, my son and I were stuck at home. I ran - a bit - but the snow was so deep that even my yaktrax were useless - snowshoes would have been the only option. I managed a 6 miler on our compacted drive by Thursday.

yes he really was over his knees in snow!

me out on my snowy 6 miler

Friday we finally got off the farm again - to the supermarket (where the shelves had been swept clean of tinned foods and milk) and Sunday I finally dug out my car and gingerly drove to the gym. I had cabin fever, I was fed up and I had my first assignment from my coach - to run a 2M time trial. I don't think running on the treadmill was ideal for this but given the circumstances it was the best I could do. And I impressed myself - on a less than stellar night's sleep, and a bit too much champagne the night before, I managed 2 consecutive miles at 7 minute miles. Yes!

And that was enough for my coach to send me, almost by return, my first week's running schedule. I don't normally detail each workout, but as this something so new I'm trying out here, bear with me while I recall my runs:

w-up easily 2M, then 2x1600 @ 7:33, 3min RI, then 2x400 @6:58, 1.30 min RI, then 2M cooldown. Nailed it. I was delighted when the intervals were done with - they were certainly hard enough - but I got them in.
5M easy @ 9:30 min/mile. Unsurprisingly, I could nail this one too, along with my high(er) rep weight workouts after 1M.
w-up easy for 2M then run steady for 4M at 7:57 pace, cooldown easy with 2M. Again - got it, but it was work and I was pleased to get the tempo done with.
cross-train - 1 hour's swimming lesson
6M easy @ 9:30 min/mile. Got this in, along with my high(er) rep weight workouts after 1M.
12M long run easy - 9:45 min/mile pace. This proved the trickiest workout of them all because I wanted to do it outside and the first road I went to proved too icy to run on so I had to drive around until I could find some gritted roads which weren't too busy. And even so it was a slippery, slidey mess. And I averaged a 9:23 min/mile not the 9:45 coach asked for. I will work harder at slowing down coach!

So what are my thoughts, 1 week into running with a coach?

I can't believe what a relief I am finding it to hand over some control to someone else. I realise I spend SO much time thinking about training plans and paces, second-guessing myself when my runs are too hard or too easy, googling solutions to various problems and getting hopelessly sidetracked (ya think I should LeechBlock most of the internet? Probably). Now I'm only getting a weekly schedule (can't lie in bed worrying about 2o milers with 10M RP sections weeks in advance, just have to man up and do it when it arrives) and my paces are defined. And she thinks I can do them. And she knows much more than I do. So I can do them. And, for one week at least, I have done them.
Questions. She's there for questions on all the topics I need answering. This week I have emailed her about switching runs around (yes I can but I can't follow hard workouts with another hard workout. Bad girl - I have definitely done that in the past so her advice was needed) and going on a diet while training (not hugely advised, eating healthily was her wholly sensible advice. But I'm feeling a post coming up on running and weight so I will deal with all that in the future).
Goal setting. I am scared of setting myself goals, running-wise. Goal-setting is for fasties, I feel. I'm afraid of setting goals, because what if I don't meet them? But my coach has set me a goal, and while I'm not brave enough to put it out there yet, I am working on getting my head round to believing I can do it.

But it's that overall feeling of having someone "in charge of me" that I am enjoying. I have never really had a coach who had any interest in me (I was just so cr*p at sports as a kid that any sports coach who did have to have me on a team would sigh when they saw me bounding onto a pitch or a court or a playing field..). And now I have someone who is going to help me - yes me! - train. I don't have to weigh Higdon against Pfitzinger against Runnersworld and so on when I'm debating high mileage vs quality, whether to race or not - I ask her. And while I'm sure she would not want me to think she has all the answers, she has more than I have and I am just enormously relieved to be handing all that over to her.

Finally - can I end on a little rant? For over a year I have been more or less assidious about keeping track of my activities on DailyMile. I'm sure you'll agree that it's key to be able to look back through your training to see what you've done, what worked and what didn't, etc. I kind of stopped bothering when I abandoned marathon training this summer, and only half-heartedly started up again recently. But I've decided to ditch DailyMile despite its enormously attractive interface and increasingly high-profile internet presence because it's just turning into another social networking site. I know that I sound like the Grinch but people - enough already! I just want to keep track of my runs! I don't want you all to comment on each workout cause then I feel like I have to comment on yours and man - there are NOT enough hours! I LOVE reading your blogs because you put it all out there but man oh man I can't do DailyMile socialising as well. After feeling bad that I was basically turning into a DailyMile miser, I have just decided to stop recording my workouts there and start afresh on BuckeyeOutdoors. Yes - less glamorous. But it does the job (and synchs with my Garmin) and I feel I can just logon, enter my workout, and log off again. Job done. So please don't feel personally slighted when I don't say anything on DailyMile - I will see you on your blog and will show you much more love there.

Boston. And this is how I'm going to do it.

2010-11-29T18:03:00.005Z

It's been 3 weeks since I last blogged and I am, once again, behind on many of your posts. Wait up people - I WILL get there. But I have not been sitting around procrastinating - oh no. Primarily this is because I have set Google up with a little add-on called Leechblock which is designed to "block" you from doing things that "leech" your time away. Like Facebook. So between 9am and 6pm, if I try to go on Facebook my computer takes me to my to-do list. Clever eh? It is still sadly lacking in a sledgehammer to beat me over the head with unless I do the things on my to-do list but it's a sweet start.

But anyway - what I've been trying to do is clear the decks, practically and mentally, for training for Boston.

Practically I've been focusing on time-consuming stuff that I can (and do) sit and waste time on, and have forced myself to make some decisions:
- I will not be doing a course in London which requires a weekly 6 hour commute. I did one this term and contemplated a different one next term, but the commute is too tiring and organising my domestic life in my absence for 36 hours even more so. So that's not happening.
- new kitchen - all decisions re design, layout, materials and contents made. Workmen lined up. Now all that needs to happen is it to happen. And that's slowly happening.
- Christmas shopping. Aaarggghhh. Usually the thought of this makes me want to curl into a ball and moan gently to myself while beating my head on the floor. But this year I decided to man up, pull myself together. I put together a budget, made a spreadsheet (yes I am comfortable enough with you all to tell you this) and bought everything online. Bish bash bosh. One evening's work. Done.

Clearing the decks mentally. Aha. A different matter altogether. Ardent readers of this blog may realise I've run only 2 races this year - the Stamford 30K in February and the World Wide half in October. With one thing and another, and that thing, it's not been a stellar racing year. Mojo has come, gone and reappeared. I've not kept track of all of my runs in one place and I've switched training plans and strategies a few times in the course of this year. I could look at this year and say it was a mess. Running-wise. On the other hand, it has been a pretty stressful year on the personal front and I have carried on running and running has definitely helped me through it. And on the eve of the last month of the year, the personal front has improved immeasurably, and my running is back on track for marathon training. So not such a mess after all, really.

So my strategy going forward? Well I contemplated the BAA marathon plan. I contemplated doing the Pfitz again. I contemplated lots of things. And I have decided to try something new (you know me - I love me something new). I'm getting a coach! I am hoping that a coach will help me adapt a plan more and train smarter. In the past I have been guilty of over- and under-training, of pushing my paces too hard and of not pushing myself hard enough. I am hoping that by developing a plan as we go along and by making changes when things are not working, or too easy, I can maximise my enjoyment and potential this April. Forgive the secret squirrel approach for now - all will be revealed shortly.

Till then my lovely friends. Hope your running is going great and for those of you racing in the next week or so - great good luck!

10 miles in the snow this morning

Scratch that.

2010-11-05T20:57:00.003Z

Last post. I debated about taking it down all week because:

talk about Debbie Downer. Who needs that?
self-pity? Check. I was meant to be past that. Sorry.
not very well-written. I could have crafted that into a much more coherent whine-fest.

But the reason I did not take it down was because of all of your comments. You were so good! You helped me! You listened and you advised and you gently chided. Gently chiding, in particular, is very good. I needed to be gently chided. The following pieces of advice, in particular, stand out.

I deserve to run Boston. I will stop whining about the )(*(*&*&^*&^*^ 13 seconds. I'm in.
To train to run, I need to run. I will fit in bikerides and swims - because I love riding and because swimming technique takes time and I'm so not there yet - but until April 18th, I'm focusing on running.
I was tired. That and hormones did not make for a good training week. I won't give up on my long runs again, Lizzie Lee!
I have picked my training paces somewhat randomly. No - I'm going to be honest, my training paces are what comes out when you put my PR - run a year ago and not neared since - into the Macmillan calculcator. Probably not an accurate picture of where I'm at right now...
Fun. I was missing the fun in my run(s). I know there are some ~~nuts~~ admirable people out there who love race pace training runs but I love my slower runs where I just zone out and smell the roses (or cow poo which is more like it round here but still) and listen to my podcasts and clear out the cow poo in my head.

So what am I going to do? Oh I know you're all desperate to find out.

Well, as you know I've been "working on myself", hideous as that may sound (and it does! I know) for the past year - primarily because I'm bored and fed up with how I've dealt with various stressors in the past. And it struck me this week that my running is due for an attitude overhaul. I know I've told you that I started to run because I was overweight and felt, in all honesty, that I had hit rock bottom physically and mentally. For years, I've been running to prove to myself that I was not fat, not worthless, not a quitter. That strategy has been good in some respects - on many a cold, windy, nasty day it has got me out the door. But on the other hand, when a week like last week happens, I tend to think that really, all the negative stuff really is true after all. In other words, a bad week proves that the past 6.5 years have been a fluke. And after writing that pitiful post on Sunday, I suddenly wondered whether I might just be able to run (forgive me for sounding like Oprah) from a more positive place. In other words, maybe I could run because I can, because I love it, because it makes me a happier and more positive person. And then maybe a bad week could be a bad week. It could have reasons for being a bad week, but the reason would not be that I'm basically such a terrible person, and the bad week proves it.

Which led me to think on Boston. I am meeting lots of wonderful runners and bloggers out there. And when I think of them I think of all of these women as fast, strong athletes. All of them are - they really are. And I realised all of a sudden that I still think of myself as an interloper in their midst. The slow, short fatty who somehow managed to fluke her way into Boston. Like somehow my qualification doesn't count as much as everyone else's. If one of you were posting this I would be shouting at you that you deserved to be there as much as anyone and I would believe it. So why don't I believe this about myself? The truth is - compared to many of these women I'm meeting out there - I don't dare to take my running as seriously. I don't dare put it out there that I would like to PR out there in Boston. But I'm beginning to think that my behaviour is self-fulfilling. Asking whether it's okay for me to run Boston "for fun" is basically me asking you whether it's okay for me not to even try to run my best race. (Please don't get me wrong - I have no views whatsoever on anyone else's strategy for any race, this is simply me being honest about myself).

And so I am going to be honest with you, and with me. I want to run a great race in Boston. I am going to try to be positive in my thinking and my visualisations of myself in this race. I have pushed myself hard physically before in training and I will do that again this time. But I will also push myself for a more positive goal and self-image this time. I am going to race Boston as well as I can. That's not setting myself a time goal - that's telling you that I am going to race Boston with the best of my ability. I am going to leave it out there, my friends.

Woah. It feels scary just to say it but there you go. If I don't say it, I won't ever believe it.

And as for training - I'm still thinking on it. I'll come up with the detail and you will help me. But this, people, this is what matters. Never mind turning the body around - that happened 6.5 years ago. It's time my mind caught up with it.

I need your help.

2010-10-31T08:41:00.005Z

Folks - I need your help.

This past week has NOT been a great training week. Apart from my first workout of the week (1o min warmup then 10 x 400M at 13.7 km/h, followed by 10 min cooldown) the rest of the week was tough. I was meant to do 5M at 8:15 min/mile on Wednesday. Went out into the park in London (we went down for a few days for the half-term holiday) and gave up after 2.5 miles. It was too hard - I just couldn't hold onto the pace. Thursday morning I got out there again and ran the 5M at 8:12 min/mile pace, without stopping once. Much better. Not easy - but I felt so much more accomplished. Driving home from London on Friday I decided to do my 15M on the treadmill at the gym - the weather was horrible and very windy and I was meant to stick to an 8:40 min/mile. Well - another fail. I think I managed 2.5 km before I gave up. The will to live people! I could NOT do it. So I thought I would go for a swim in the pool and do my routine of 250m warmup (100m kickboard, 100m kickboard with 2x5m acceleration each length, 50m slow freestyle) and then my freestyle pyramid exercise (50m breathing every 2 strokes, 50m breathing ever 3 strokes and so on till 7 and then back down again). But another fail! I just could not manage the long intervals - I would come up gasping for air! I am struggling with this breathing out under water business - I just seem to keep swallowing water. So I headed home, tail between my legs. Saturday morning I was at the gym, bright and early, ready to tackle that beast again. I had, by now, resolved to warm up for 5K and then run 16K (10M) at the required pace, before cooling down. I made it to 13K this time before losing the will.

I don't know what is going wrong here. Here are my theories:

I have said before, I don't enjoy running all my long runs at a prescribed (fast) pace. I found it hard on the Pfitzinger program when he interjected marathon-pace runs but I could do those - they were never the full-length of the run and they were not every long run either. Having said that, I'm following a half-marathon plan at the moment and looking at the full marathon plans in Run Less, Run Faster - those long-run paces look more reasonable. But I basically like running my long runs at a pace that does not make me out of breath so I can chat to a friend / listen to my podcasts = zone out for an hour or two, or three.
nutrition. I have been on the go so much in the rest of my life that I don't think I'm watching what I eat / drink enough. I don't eat to train. I don't think I eat unhealthily (very often) but I could definitely eat in a more targeted way. I think. Funnily enough, the most succesful training cycle I have ever had (the one leading up to London 2009) was when I was on Weight Watchers. I ate lots and lots of vegetables, drank very little alcohol and was quite assidious about post-run nutrition. What do you think?
General tiredness. I am not sleeping very well at the moment - for some reason, something disrupts my sleep every night and I end up being tired, a lot. Another reason for my tiredness might be continued iron deficiency? Maybe - I'm going back to have my iron levels tested. I've been off iron pills for a few months now to see if my ferritin levels have stabilised but I fear they may not have.
General aimlessness. The loosey-gooseyness of my training - despite the training plan I have no target race - is not helping, mentally, to keep me in the game. It was nice for a while, but now I'm feeling lacking in focus.

It's strange, because overall this has been a good time for me. After a year which has been enormously taxing on the personal front, I am getting to a good place mentally. In the best way possible really, because it's not like some of the external stressors have disappeared - it's more that my attitude towards them has changed. I am hardly there - wherever that is - but I've moved on from the bad place, from the real cr*p of the past year, and from feeling so intensely cr*p about it and myself in it. I have had help, advice and insight from so many friends, near and far, and quite a lot of them you, my lovely readers and commenters, and I have gained a keen insight into who my friends truly are - and am learning to stop worrying about those who are not. So all that has been good.

So if my life were a Hallmark movie, my running would now be amazing. You'd see me running in slow-mo, with "Chariots of Fire" in the background, medals overlapping on my chest. Not so people, not so.

So this is where you all come in. I need your practical and emotional insights and advice on my training. Let me lay it out for you:

I have entered two main events next year; the Boston Marathon and the London Triathlon. I intend to race shorter distances in the run-up to both - a hilly half-marathon (TBT) and the Ashby 30K (very hilly) before Boston and 2 local sprint triathlons before London.
I think - but please tell me if you don't agree - that this means that between December and April I will focus my attention on running, using swimming and biking as crosstraining and improving my skills in both.
Then, from April (but look at my caveat below) I will focus on tri-specific training - spreading myself more evenly across the disciplines.

So far, so good? Good. Then here is quandary number 1. Everyone tells me not to race Boston. I am told that by doing so I won't experience the whole sense of it, the whole glory of it. It's a hard course. And my personal worry is that if I race it and then have a bad day, I will ruin my one shot at being there. But if don't race Boston, then I need a race, maybe 4-6 weeks after Boston, where I can race. What do you think? And of course, part of me thinks, maybe I should just race Boston - give it all I've got. Not be afraid of failure, if there is such a thing. Go out with glory. Train like a demon for Boston and then make.it.so. Yadda yadda yadda. Make a note of your thoughts for this and hold off because here's my next quandary:

How am I going to train? Which program am I going to follow? Do I carry on with Run Less Run Faster, running three times a week and cross training? I'm liking the tempo and the speedwork but the long runs - not so sure. And is 3 days a week really enough? Or do I add cross training onto the Pfitz? Bike one day, swim one evening? Or do I find a coach to somehow mesh something up for me? I know some of you are coaches - do you do this remotely? Could any of you help me transition from running to multisport over the course of the year? Help me?

Finally - just let me finish off a thought that's been dangling in my head for about 2 weeks now about the Boston marathon filling up so early. A lot of you have posted about it, and a lot of you have made lots of valid points. I found myself, in the days after registration opened and closed, feeling very antsy and defensive and when I actually started to think of why, I realised it was because I feel that am one of the people in the group that critics think "have it too easy" - I am in the 35-39 age group with a qualifying time of 3:45 and I'm well aware that many feel that that is too lenient, that men my age have to work harder to qualify and that there are many many women out there who are far faster than me (in my age group and often above). Moreover, I'm well aware that if they change the qualifying times by more than 12 seconds (likely) I would not have been in, at all. So I am quite aware that this is probably going to be my one and only Boston - and I am totally fine with that. I never thought I would have a shot at it, at all, and I'm going to give it my best. And then run some of the other awesome races that can be run all over the world..

So now can now all tell me how you think I should my next training year. And if you're thinking - hey, she's leaving the second half of the year unplanned - well, I'm kind of waiting to see how the first half unfolds. But if you have other thoughts on that - bring it on! I want to hear it. Till then my friends - bottoms up! (Although I'm sure you'll be telling me to make that a protein shake if I really want to get my mojo back and I might even listen!).

Catching up with myself..

2010-10-23T09:36:00.009Z

Another 3 weeks of loosey-goosey, run-for-fun fun ...

Saturday October 10th we organised a race on our farm for the WWFOR - the Lincolnshire Lollop. A whole bunch of bloggers who have been meeting on a more or less yearly basis for the WWFOR and the White Peak half were joined by other friends and family and we ran 5Ks, 10Ks, halves and full marathons in 1.4 mile loops around the farm. Toni summed it all up pretty well in this video:

Can you tell we had a good time?

A week later, another great race - a birthday present to myself. I've always wanted to run an off-road, muddy, challenging race and sometime this summer, when I was feeling blue and unmotivated, I signed up for the Salomon Turbo X Sheffield trail race. It was a freezing cold day - 2.5 degrees C when I left and pulling up at the race venue I really started doubting the wisdom of what I was doing. For one thing, everyone looked very fit. For another, they were all wearing trail shoes.. The Salomon gear tent had a sale on and I was very quickly convinced to buy my first pair of trail running shoes.

relaxing in the car before the race

race banners at the start - it was cold!

For the first time in - well, ever? - I warmed up before a race because I didn't want to do the race in too many layers (I knew I would get filthy) and I also knew there wouldn't be anywhere to leave my layers. As soon as the race kicked off, I realised I was doing something entirely new. The race started off downhill through a field and before we knew it were in the woods. I did not have my Garmin on - it's a bit too precious for this! - but for about 60/70 minutes we were running on roads and narow trails through woods. Then came the first steep incline. Like so steep that you could not run up it, you just had to slowly walk your way up and occasionally pull yourself up by a tree or a root. A flat bit at the top to catch your breath, and then it was down again - equally carefully. A flat bit at the bottom, and then up again a similar incline. And down again. I could begin to feel my legs taking a beating. We then ran on through the woods again and by this stage I had made a new friend, Marie. We were running at a similar pace and she was the one who advised me not to run the hills - wise advice this proved. She's a sports therapist and we ran on for quite a way talking about life, love, kids, work, running. We were wondering where the "real mud" was going to start as we went into what was advertised as the Turbo Zone. For the first part this was still just trail running through the woods and then - all of a sudden - the mud started. For some time - I have no idea how long but maybe about 30 minutes?- we just went through one muddy trench after the other. In the water, out of the water. Up a hillside, down a hillside, back into the water. The water was freezing but I can't tell you what fun we were all having. Everyone was trying to get through without falling over - not very succesfully - and it was the most wonderful atmosphere. There was NO competition, just people helping each other and laughing.

See?

After about a mile or so of this, we came out of the zone and by then my legs were truly trashed. I had gone into this race thinking 10 miles were piece of cake. Although I knew the race had trails and mud in it, I had not counted on waist-deep trenches filled with cold mud. And so, by this stage, I was wet, cold and exhausted. And the race was still not over! Had Marie not been my new best friend by this stage I would have given up completely and just laid myself down in a sunny grassy spot. But on we went, walking up the hills, running down them, through the woods, past lying race marshalls (only 1K to go - yeah right!) until we finally saw the finish which we crossed hand in hand. Followed by a big hug!

Look at my new shoes! Thankfully they cleaned up nicely..

There were no showers so I stripped down to my underwear (everyone was doing it, honest!) and quickly changed into some dry clothes and drove home.

This is what I looked like when I got home - it took some showering to get rid of all of that mud!

Recovery took longer than I had thought - Monday morning I had speedwork on the books but there was no way - I could barely walk down the stairs. Instead, I took my bike out for a very leisurely 15 miler. I made it all the way to the treadmill on Tuesday but after 3K it became very clear that I wasn't going to get those fast mile repeats in on that day either. It was also my birthday, and I had a new iPad charging up on my desk at home, so I decided my decision was made and went home.

Then on Wednesday it was a drive down to London again - one day earlier than normal - to meet up with Portland running and yoga blogger Emily and her friend Cyndi who were in London for a few days. We met up with BFF Dawn and went out to Wahaca for margaritas and burritos, and generally had a great time. Sightseeing / shopping Thursday and Thursday evening I went to my Interior Design course at Central Saint Martins, the official reason for my weekly trips to London. Then Friday morning I whizzed back home again to start the weekend and my kids' autumn break. To be greeted by this:

Which, as you all know is a big deal. It's a big deal because man, this year it was no easy feat. And it's a big deal because I didn't get to run it this April. And it's a big deal because man! It's Boston! I have some thoughts on Boston filling up so early, and all that might be done to change that, but they're nowhere near crystallised enough. I'll tell you what I think when I know what I think..

The next post will follow shortly - I'm writing it right now - but I'm going to finish this one up and take a breather because there is SO much to talk about!

Planning ahead.

2010-10-01T13:21:00.008Z

4 weeks into my new fitness schedule and I feel it's time to lay out some of my thoughts on how it's going, what I'm thinking and where I'm heading with it all.

How is it going? Good, overall. For the first time in my life I am using the gym regularly and the treadmill particularly as I'm finding it really helps to keep me on pace with my speedwork. I have no access to a track and so tend to run my speedwork with my Garmin on the road but I can't help but feel it's not too accurate. The wind is often really strong here so I find my laps differ simply by virtue of whether I'm running with the wind in my face or behind me. Also I think I give myself permission to slow down sometimes which is much harder on the treadmill - I'd just fall off if I did that - so I have keep the pace going. I'm taking Ana Maria's advice and giving myself some leeway on the pacing but overall I'm pleased with the workouts I'm getting in.

Inspired by all those folks who come up with their own training schedules (I've never had the balls) I am starting to fiddle with the plan a bit - I feel I can, particularly as I'm "only" base building at the moment. So along with adapting the paces at times, I am taking some executive decisions. For example, the RLRF folks are pretty specific about the pace of each of the week's three runs. I think that's a good thing for the speed and tempo work but I'm beginning to rebel against having every long run paced. I'm all for marathon pace and half marathon pace workouts - sometimes - but sometimes I just want to run and not watch my Garmin. I like doing my long runs with a walk break - .05 of a mile - every mile and I like listening to all my podcasts and I like thinking things over. And when I'm breaking my neck to stay at pace I can't do these things. So I'm sorry guys - if this costs me minutes in the race, so be it. The journey really does matter at least as much as the destination and sometimes that journey needs to be a bit more leisurely.. (Having said that, I went out for 13M determined to ignore the instructed HMpace +30 seconds and averaged an 8:53 min/mile - probably not far off where they wanted me to be).

The cross training is GOOD. I am loving it. Who'd have ever thunk it? Not me but there you go - as they say round here "nowt so queer as folk" (they really do say that). Thursday was a gorgeous day and as soon as I woke up I knew I had to go out and bike into it. I biked 12M out to a friend's house on quiet country roads where I was passed by about 3 cars and 20 mamils (middle-aged men in lycra), had 2 coffees and a flapjack and a catchup in the lovely autumn sun, and then biked home again. Just wonderful. I pushed myself a bit but still only averaged 15 mph - there's some way to go. Swimming is going well as well - I've found a really nice swimming group and instructor and I find myself looking forward to the lessons. Sometimes it is nice when someone else cracks the whip and it's not ALL self-discipline. I also find it's extremely helpful to have another option at hand sometimes - my speed session was unsuccesful this week, abandoned halfway, as I was not feeling very well. I was tempted to have a go at it again today but was tired after yesterday's 13 miler and Thursday's bike ride and so I opted instead to swim 1000m. Nothing shocking but it pushed me, I pushed myself and I feel a lot better.

me at the end of my windy and wet 13 miler

Overall, this week, I feel like this program of running and swimming and biking is somehow more balanced for me. I feel less ground down than I have for a long time and the fact that there are only 3 fixed workouts a week somehow makes me feel under a lot less pressure.

And so and so and so... what's next for me? I realise I have raced very very little this year. In the runup to Boston that never was I only raced the Stamford 30K. I then ran the White Peak half with Adam and Drusy and all the other wonderful UK run net people. Over the summer all was quiet and now in autumn it has taken me a while to get back into it. But I'm beginning to think it's going to be fun to race again and so I'm putting some things on the horizon. Next week is the WWFOR and this year some the UK contingent are coming to our farm to race the Lincolnshire Lollop. For anyone who'd like to join us there to run a 5K, 10K, half marathon or an ultra (yes this is apparently happening for someone!) please get in touch and I will give you directions. You are very very welcome. Then on Sunday the 17th I have decided to give myself an early birthday present and race the Sheffield Salomon Turbo X. I've always wanted to race one of these muddy and challenging races, just because they seem like so much fun and without any pressure. I haven't managed to find someone to race with (volunteers? It's not too late - email me!) but if not, I'm going to do it by myself.

As far as all the stress I mentioned in my last email, it is all slowly ebbing away. I took Maritza's suggestion and dealt with my insurmountable list of posts in the google reader by marking them all as read and I'm starting again. Sorry if this means I haven't commented on all of your posts but at least I'm keeping up with them now. My kitchen work has ground to a halt this week - a plumbing situation - and will start up again next week. Nothing at all exciting to report basically, but that is a good thing. I'm brewing up plans for next year but am determined to get this post out so more on that next time. Time to catch up with everyone else..

JFDI.

2010-09-20T06:48:00.005Z

I should have that tattoed across my knuckles. JFDI. 3 weeks since my last post and what have I been doing? Chasing my tail, is what. Kids are back in school - and that was a last minute rush I only had 10 weeks to prepare for, I have finally, finally, finally, made a start on home improvements that have been on the program for a good 6 months, I have been down and back to London a number of times... I even went to Paris for the day. But more of all that stuff in a minute.

Running. Running, I have been running. Training, even. As per Lizzie Lee's advice (and she's a veteran AND fan of the RLRF plan) I plunged into week 12 of the half-marathon training program and used the paces from the Macmillan running calculator. I've tweaked it all a bit - used my marathon PR (now nearly exactly a year ago and a million miles away in terms of fitness but hey) to calculate my various paces. Which are measured in minutes and seconds, I then have to convert them to min/miles and if I'm running on my (metric?) treadmill, have to then convert into km/h. Oh enough to make an English graduate get a headache were it not for the fact that the internet is overflowing with nerds who calculate this stuff for me. Week 1? Good-ish. Given the diabolical wind we have at the moment I am giving myself permission to run on the treadmill for my speed workouts. Week 2? Not so goodish - tempo workout = fail (too hard) and long run was great - ran it with Dawn - but not at the 8:40 min/mile prescribed but a 10 min/mile which felt hard enough. Eh, I'm only building a base here folks. So I'm into week 3 now, this morning's speedwork is done (nasty! 12 x 400m at 6:50 min/mile, that hurts me!). So - on balance, the running is okay. I am getting back in the saddle and the cross training, biking and swimming, is beginning to take shape as well. By the time we get to December - serious time! - I should be ready for this.

But now the rest of my life - it is bursting at the seams. Mostly with great good fun stuff. For example? Taking a day trip to Paris to meet with wonderful Jen and her husband. Jen and I ran together in California oh 2 1/2 years ago and so it was a total treat to spend the day before her birthday with her and Zach.Then with finally planning and project managing a new kitchen! I know ! Rock 'n roll! I have been on the fence with this for SO long and now - with the help of another blogging buddy, architect extraordinaire Susan, I am finally getting this party started. Photos to follow..

I am just overloaded at the moment. I feel guilty telling you this because I know many of you have more commitments than I do, and the vast majority of my commitments are wonderful but still - there you have it. Day after day is planned, packed in. I have not caught up on your blogs for about 2 weeks, there is a pile of admin on my desk - panic panic panic. This blog post is hardly illuminating or interesting - it's just going out there so you know I'm still here, I'm running, I'm training and I WILL catch up with you. Promise. Nothing material will change, but the wind turns and all of a sudden I can see clearly that I'm riding the crest of the wave again. Till then, head down, I'll be pounding out those miles and getting those things done.

Why I run

2010-08-31T20:29:00.006Z

Oh I've put together posts like this before. Weight loss, self-esteem. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

It struck me tonight - 8 1/2 weeks into the summer holidays - why I run. And more importantly, why I do big nasty marathons that take it ALL out of me and leave me spent. Because of the fact that when you're out there, training or racing, you're dealing with physical breakdowns and mental breakdowns and, in my case, facing down each and every big fat demon in my head (you're useless, you're incapable, you're incompetent, you're fat, you'll fail) and knocking them on the head one after the other (I am NOT! I am NOT! I am NOT! I am NOT! I am NOT!) and there is no space in your head for the small stuff that I sweat on a daily basis.

For the daily discussions with my kids, for example. Let me recap for you some of the things I have actually, seriously, said today:
- "No, we cannot take the gerbils on holiday with us. And that does NOT make me a bad person."
- "If a gerbil told me he didn't like me that would not hurt my feelings."
- "I don't like rodents like you don't like bananas. It's not logical, it's just how it is."
- "Calling you in for supper and supper not physically being on the table as you slide into your seat (with dirty hands) does not make me a liar."
- "Just because you did not intend to break it does not mean you did not break it."
- "I don't care that everyone else gets to go to bed later than you. It's bedtime."
- "Everyone else does not actually have it better than you. Believe me."
I know. I am such a MOM! I am my own pain in the ass.

Then there's all the other stuff. Phonecalls to my accountant who hasn't filed my tax return. Or returned my calls. Phonecalls to my dishwasher repair people because my dishwasher has been broken for weeks. (That, in itself, calls for running a marathon). An ancient soft water tank in our roof bursting on bank holiday Monday and leaking big gushing quantities of rusty water into my linen cupboard.

But when I'm out there training or running a race I am stripped of all that. I forget it all. I am no longer a mother, a wife, a daughter. I am me, just me. I am not wearing make-up. It doesn't matter if I haven't shaved my legs. Most frequently my outfits look terrible and there's no getting away from the fact that I have short stumpy legs and will never be a supermodel. But it doesn't matter - at all. When I am running I am happy to be me.

And when I come back from my runs, I am still happy to be me. And I see that it's not all so bad, and that my children are wonderful - even when they're not - and that they are the sun and the moon to me. That my husband is the love of my life and I am lucky for each day he is in it. And that I lead a life of great privilege and good fortune, materially and spiritually, and that I am so lucky with my friends and family.

And on that warm and fuzzy note - training update. Well - T-1 update. Training starts next week. Kids are back in school and it'll be 12 weeks till I start training for Boston. Old bike given to new owner? Check. New bike bought? Check. In fact, check it out. It's LOVELY!
And this is me after my first ride on it - just before that cloud behind me burst into rain. Is it me or is my helmet ENORMOUS?
Stupid idiot footcut healed? Check. First runs in since stupid idiot foot injury? (oh and speaking of nasty outfits my son says I look like Sportacus in my purple outfit I was wearing below. Nice.)
Check and check. Oh and for those of you who worried I wasn't sweating? It's hard to capture on an iPhone but I was! Forgive the stupid pose but I was trying to highlight the "glow".

Jamoosh's Hard Core club week 2? Ah. Slight fail - only did 2 out of 3 possible sessions. Will do better this week J!

Beginning to feel much better and like it might be possible for me to feasibly start training next week. Watch this space...

You're with Stupid.

2010-08-23T07:28:00.003Z

That would be me. Stupid, stupid me. After a decent early week of running, 16M which included a 6 miler with 3 at tempo (yes I know Haile is not worried yet but still) I was closing the shutters in one of our bedrooms on Friday night (anticipating 4M on Saturday morning and 10 on Sunday to bring me a satisfying 30 mile week) when I banged my foot on a sticking-up floorboard and got a nail in it. It has just lifted up a flap of skin (believe me you'll be happy I don't post a photo of this) and it's nothing serious but when I went out to run on Saturday I realised there was no way I could do so. It hurts too much to land on it. Same yesterday.

How stupid is this? This is no serious injury and yet there is no way I can run. I can't swim for a few days due to another issue (I'll spare you the TMI there) so this is now very very frustrating. I would bike, assuming that biking doesn't hurt my foot BUT I've sold my bike. Which is good news - I didn't make a killing but more or less got back what I paid for it so with a year's riding I'm happy with that - but I'm now bike-less. I intend to remedy this situation fairly immediately. My parents are staying with us for a few days so I will prevail on their desire for quality time with the grandchildren to head to a bike shop and find myself a new, sweet, ride. While I am keen to go local, the local shops only have one, maybe two brands and very little for me to choose from. Instead I have found this place, Wheelbase, which is quite a drive away (3 hours or so) but seems to have LOTS of different brands, choice and lots of expertise. What do you think?

The only thing I have managed to stick with this past week is week 1 of the Hard Core Club. I've done 3 sessions, one of which with my 64 year old mother who holds a plank like nobody's business. High standards.

So where does that leave me? I'm getting antsy about my schedule-less existence. I have been reading Run Less Run Faster and I'm thinking I might use this to train for Boston. It is quite a different program from the high-mileage Pfitzinger program which has helped me so much in London and Berlin. However, I am quite certain that one of the things that really helped with Pfitzinger was tempo and speed work, and the Run Less Run Faster program is pretty demanding on these. I would then be able to do at least one strong bike workout and one strong swimming workout per week, as well as a yoga-type workout. Training for 16 + 2 weeks (because I'm hoping to squeeze a non-running, hard skiing week in January) would mean beginning on December 13th. Given that I have 2 more weeks of children's holidays to go, this stupid foot to heal up, and a bike to buy, I will give myself the next two weeks to set things up and write a base plan starting the week commencing Sept 6th. The book recommends having a 30M base before starting as well as getting used to the fairly punishing paces. I'm not even quite sure where to start with the paces - I have never done a 5K, my last 10K was a long time ago, as was my last full and half-mary. They suggest doing 3 one-mile all-out efforts and using that time as a basis and depressing as that's going to be I think I will do that. I will then start incorporating tempo / speed into each week so I get used to that again.

So there we are - talking things through with all of you is making me feel better. I have a plan, even if it doesn't - can't - start today. I will keep you posted on bike-buying and foot-healing. Till soon my lovely ones. Oh and I have no relevant photos but I'll post this one from a sunny run a few weeks ago. I'm smiling because I've already come up this 1 mile + hill and now all I've got to do is go down it again.

Blah, blah, blah. And Emz Abz.

2010-08-17T06:21:00.006Z

I have mentioned my thick skull before. Truths take their time to penetrate - like rainwater on rocks, really - and in addition there's a bit of goldfish memory going on. This has proved the case with summer holidays. I have relearned several things over the past 6 or so weeks:

- even though my kids are 7 and 10, I still get precious little constructive stuff done when they're home all day. The constant interruptions, whether for provisions, help with Lego construction, arbitration in a bustup or fatal-seeming injuries, mean that I start many things but finish few.

- all though, in theory, I have "all day" - in fact, it's harder to fit my exercise in than normal. Before breakfast is a good bet.

- I must plan ahead. Kids sloping round the house for days is not good for anyone.

- summer holidays in the United Kingdom seem like a good idea when you're some way away from them and in a penny-pinching mode. The reality of the weather here (cold, damp, windy for the most part) hits you when you're trying to have a holiday in it.

- I am still a procrastinator. That's not really a summer holiday feature, it's a year-round life skill but combined with the factors above it's not helping things.

Ok. Enough with the blahs. Sport! After my heady start I have tempered things somewhat but am still, much to my surprise, enjoying the multisport and, gasp, the gym classes. After hurting my back doing VIPR I shall be giving that a miss, but the body conditioning feels good and I'm about to book in some spin sessions. My son has swimming lessons for 30 minutes every day this week so I too shall be heading to the pool for half an hour. Not much, I know, but a start. I've even - strangely - started doing some treadmill running. (This has proved extremely taxing as the treadmill counts in km/h - converting that to min/miles is HARD). The advantage of the treadmill, I have found, is hills. Now I have recently been running some hills (including one which is a mile long and has me nearly heaving into my Asics) but they're a bit of a way away and I don't always have a chance to go. And round here it is flat. FLAT! So the treadmill is rather a sweet solution. Plus, I've been told they give me abs.

Because yes. I want abs. This middle aged floppy spread - muffin top? - has got to go. I've said it before but by golly you know me by now - I just have to keep trying to do something and eventually I will do it. (My children's persistent nagging shows apples don't fall far from trees - persistence is inherited. ) I've been in touch with the lovely Jill who has been sidelined from running for a while and she and I have agreed to keep each other accountable with our schedules each week to ensure we don't lose too much fitness. One of the things she ~~forced me to~~ suggested we do is join Jamoosh's HardCore club. And the point of this club is this - I want to look like Emily. I will give up on the tall bit - although I hail from a nation of tall people I am a runt and what can you do about that? I will give up on the blonde bit (let's not talk hair right now people, the picture is not pretty). Even the very slim bit. But those abs. Here you go - here are her abs.

And that's not even the sweetest bit. That woman is FAST! Greased lightning! And I'm sure it's her awesome abs keeping her in perfect form even at 23 miles. Apparently, Jamoosh tells us it's not just the exercises - it's also her healthy and lean diet. And I've a way to go there, but that's for another post (though tips and tricks would be MUCH appreciated).

Overall - the loosey goosey approach to training is working okay. Not more than that. I feel a lot better when I do something every day. Last week I was on my own with one of my children for a few days and so did not get a run or anything else in. I immediately felt like a slug. I only got 18 miles in for the week and I can't tell you how badly I felt about that. I was very tempted to immediately go into an agressive training program for something, anything. But I've told myself I cannot, should not. I am feeling quite good at the moment and need to stay that way for a while.

In other breaking news, my bike is on ebay and I'm hoping it will sell for enough to put towards a new one.

That's it for now folks - hope things are more exciting in your life!

The birth of multisport me - I'm lovin' it!

2010-08-04T07:47:00.004Z

I know! It's been aaaagggggeeeessss again. Sorry people! After my last post we went on a week's camping holiday to Wales and as anyone with kids knows it takes 3 days to get ready for a holiday before you leave and 3 days to recover when you get back.

Not to mention endless loads of laundry etc. So I am once again waaaaayyy behind on blogs - nigh unforgivable when you lot have been out there running triathlons and doing half ironmen (women?) and running marathons with your heels falling off and all sorts of crazy stuff. Sorry! I will catch up - it's on my to-do list. Ha.

So. After my overtraining insight and post - thank you for all the amazing feedback by the way, you are too kind! - I did what I was threatening to do and joined the gym. The reason I was hesitant to do this was:

I have joined and left this gym about 3 times already and have left each time because I did not use it enough;
because it costs money and I'm trying to cut costs;
because I have finally seen that despite being a chatty Cathy I never seem to last long in groups and gyms are a very "groupy" kind of place.

However. If I'm going to cut back on my running - a bit - I need to do something else. I like being fit and strong AND I just cannot bear to think of getting fat again. Anyone who has ever been fat knows it's just awful and losing masses of weight is hard hard work and I just don't want to climb that mountain again. So. I need to branch out! Do the opposite of me! Not let myself stumble on roadblocks that have stopped me before. So I have made the following resolve:

to use the gym 3 times a week;
to get private swimming lessons so I can improve my skills;
to just )(*(**&^*&%^* do it and get over myself.

One of the things that fells me is any class requiring co-ordination. As soon as someone lithe steps in front of a mirror and starts doing any kind of "moves" I screw up. My moves are not the same, my moves go in the wrong direction, I mix up left and right.. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and instead of the early 80s Olivia Newton John picture I had in my mind there is a sausage in lycra moving in the opposite direction from everyone else. But! The new motto is suck it up, and suck it up I will.

So to prove this, let me present to you this week's achievements so far. Sunday - ran 10 miles easy (giving me a total of 24 miles for last week which, given that all of this mileage was run because I wanted to run is great!).

look at me! I'm lovin' that 10 miler!

Monday - cycled 14.5M to the gym (up and down hills), ploughed up and down the pool for 1000m trying to follow Kelownagirl's swimming tips, got back on the bike to cycle 14.5 miles home. Minimal transitions there people, and I was on my bike by 6am!

and now I'm lovin' 29 miles on the bike with a swim in the middle!

By the time I got home, just after 9am, I was toast but I did not get to sit down (or lie down, hmmmm) because I walked straight into summer holiday sibling strife and spent the rest of the day trying to be productive and not get my kids to kill each other. In the evening I went back to the gym (I know!) to do an hour's "body balance" - basically yoga / pilates type stretching which was hard and lovely. Slept like a log! Yesterday I ran 6M easy and then in the evening did my first ever VIPR class. Oh. My. Goodness. I have NO upper body strength. I am a weed! And this weed is feeling it today. But Jill - that means 2 consecutive days of ab workouts! So Emz, watch out - I'm right behind you. (Only joking! Emz will have showered off her washboard abs, had a three-course meal and a post-marathon nap by the time I come in..).

As for the long-term - for this year, I have no plans. My osteopath thinks I should concentrate on 5Ks and 10Ks to get faster. Somehow I cannot get excited about this plan, but maybe I will. My overall consideration is to get stronger - and my iron levels are going up, people! - and to get back into enjoyment of exercise - which is also happening. I'm going to spend the rest of August trying out the various exercise classes my gym is offering and will probably settle on a couple that I will rotate, focusing mainly on core strength and flexibility. I will get my swimming lessons organised and started. And I will buy a new roadbike. You may recall that back in November I bought a bargain Cannondale on ebay. Well, as these things go it was not such a clever move - I have been suffering with back pain on that thing and when I took it into a decent bike shop for some advice on fitting it the guy told me straightaway "that bike is waaaayy too small for you". I kind of knew that - it is titchy! - but it's a Cannondale! (Anyone want to buy a bargain Cannondale? It's probably suitable for 13-15 year old?) So in the next few weeks I am going to buy a new bike and keep that up. I am loving the fact that on a bike I can actually go places - I can cyle to people's houses (remember I live in the country - everyone lives at least 10M away from me) and then cycle home.

Overall - I'm on the up. I have some BIG plans for next year but will keep those under my (new Nike) hat for now - for now I'm just firing up my mojo and lovin' it!

Doh.

2010-07-15T07:12:00.007Z

I've said it before and yes I will say it again - personal growth and understanding is a sloooooooooow process for me. Pennies just gently float down and I rarely hear them drop.

Take last night. At about 8:30, after a lovely steak (iron-rich!) supper I was at my computer when in pinged an email from Drusy who hosts the RRT. "Petra, tonight's Runners Round Table is all women and its on Overtraining. (..) I've been reading up to prepare.....and then I read your blog. You've got ALL the signs. and your doc has give the best advice! Log in to the chatroom if you're around at 9pm on Wed. Hang in there! Toni". I read it and thought "Oh Toni - I'm not overtrained. I'm just anemic!". But anyway, I did log into the chatroom. She had some great guests on the show - I was really impressed with Amelia's knowledge and advice and Tory's experience and cautious approach. As they started listing the symptoms of overtraining - tiredness, dreading runs, not sleeping well - I realised that besides my anemia I had all of these symptoms. Ah. Maybe Toni was right. I haven't been sleeping at all well, dreading runs (hell yeah!). There is no doubt that anemia hasn't helped but I think I have pushed and pushed and pushed my training to the point where it has become a much bigger problem. It was very interesting in the chatroom last night to read that really experienced runners like Matt from the Dumprunners Club are very tuned into signs of overtraining and tone things down accordingly during their training cycles - something to learn from. Amelia pointed out that running and training while anemic was like running with only one lung - I was not running well and just hurting myself, making myself worse. She said that taking a couple of weeks off, improving my iron stores and giving my body a chance to catch up would mean I could come back much stronger. Given that she seems to know what she's talking about, I'm going to take her word for it. As of today,

I'm going to take a month off running longer. I will do about 5M twice a week - if I feel like it.
I'm going to cross train by cycling and doing yoga.
I am contemplating joining our local gym so I can swim. Pros - lovely pool, steam room and sauna. Cons - kinda pricey and will I use it enough?
I am also going to focus on my diet - I am focusing on improving my iron intake and "cleaning up" my diet. Improving my iron intake is kind of complicated - you have to combine certain foods to improve the iron you can absorb. And keep away from other combos. Like caffeine with my boiled egg breakfast. Hmm. There are ups though - including oysters! Yes!

The bigger picture is that I'm shocked by my own realisation about how much I define myself as a runner - and more than that, as a marathon runner. This is not good. While I am really proud of what I have achieved and will, most certainly, be out there running marathons again in the future, there has to be more about me that I am proud and confident about. And if I can't see that, I need to work on that. As some of you have suggested, I will use my time off to focus on other areas of interest that have been lagging so that I can work on seeing myself in a more rounded way. As well as a runner..

All in all I'm feeling positive. Thank you ALL of you for such lovely wonderful kind and generous comments. I am looking forward to this period of trying some new things and some new attitudes. Stay tuned!

Doctor's orders

2010-07-13T19:09:00.004Z

I've started to write this post so many times. In fact, there are about 5 versions of it saved as drafts in my blogger account. I really wasn't sure about where to go with what I was feeling, physically and mentally, and all the different posts reflected the various different things going through my head.

Because my running has not been going so great. This past weekend I had to face the fact that in the first 5 weeks of this training program I have never, not once week, hit the mileage I was meant to. Most weeks I was a few miles short but every week there was at least one workout I could not complete. My stomach ache has not got worse but not got better either. And I am exhausted. Just worn out. I have been dragging myself out onto the road. And dragging myself through my workouts. I found myself on an evening, about 10 days ago, lacing up my shoes and saying to my husband that I really didn't want to go for a run. "Well don't then" he said. And I said to him that I had to. If I didn't run, I told him, I wasn't a runner anymore, and if I wasn't a runner anymore then I don't know who I am. This statement just burst out of me and I was so shocked I headed out straight for my run. But that thought keeps coming back to me. Is it true? Do I think it's true? What do I mean by it?

You all know me by now. I am the girl who never did any exercise, who ended up living in the countryside with a husband and two tiny children, not working, overweight and somehow, amazingly, I started to run. Very slowly, but I did it. I threw myself at WeightWatchers, for the umpteenth time but for the first time while exercising, and it worked. I lost weight I had been hanging onto for a decade, and more, and found myself in the course of this. I started running races, ran my first marathon (4:55), started blogging and found this incredible world out there of other runners. Running has transformed me, physically but also very much mentally. It has sustained me through some very tough times and has given me something to feel good about when I've felt I was achieving very little in other parts of my life. It is the thing people know about me. When they see me they ask me what event I'm training for, how many marathons I've run and I proudly tell them. I also tell them that if I can do it, so can they.

Through all the various stuff that has gone in my life, particularly in the last year, running and being a runner has helped me to stay the course, to feel worthwhile and valuable. I could tell, in the past week, that my training was not on course. But I felt utterly incapable of knowing what to do with myself without it.

Then I went to the doctor's for the results of my tests this morning. And relax - there's nothing too serious going on. My tests came back negative so I'm going to have a scan to check out what is going on with this mild but persistent pain in my lower abdomen. While I was there I got chatting to my lovely GP, who is a runner and a mother and who I really like, and we checked out my iron levels again. Which are still very very low despite the fact that I've been taking iron levels on and off for a year now. I told her I was exhausted and feeling very rundown and she told me that with my iron levels where they are she is not surprised. My body is constantly trying to replenish its diminished stores and trying to push myself to run 50+ miles a week is right now asking too much of it. I said to her that I had been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should not run my planned marathon in September and she just told me straight that she thought I shouldn't. I shouldn't train that hard, and shouldn't push myself that hard, with my body in the condition it's in at the moment. She said I was ignoring what my body was telling me (true) and that, if I made it across the finish line at all without giving up halfway, my recovery would be very very long. Our priority right now, is to do something more constructive and long term about the anaemia (for once, I'll spare you the TMI but I'm pretty certain I know why I'm anaemic and how to resolve it - it's just a bit, well, involved).

On the way back I phoned Dawn. My BFF who totally understands me and the state I'm in - and why this all matters so much. She realises how much of my identity is caught up in my not only being a runner, but a marathoner. And how hard it is to let that go, even for a while. But she pointed out that if I got things sorted in the next few months I would have plenty of time to train for Boston. And be a much stronger runner when I'm out there.

So I'm ditching the Robin Hood marathon for this year. I'm taking a step back. I'm not giving up on running but for now, I'm going to be running 5-10 milers. I like being fit and I want to stay out there, but I'm benched for this marathon season.

I'm okay with this. Apart from anything, I'm so tired. I'm not missing those sloggy 14 milers. But I will miss you all - feeling a part of it. I'll miss running a marathon this autumn. I'll, basically, feel left out. But I'm a big girl - don't feel sorry for me. I'm going to get over myself, follow you guys and cheer you along. I'm saving myself for Boston..

Where am I?

2010-07-01T13:08:00.004Z

Where am I? Where have I been? Not here, that's for sure - it's been nearly 4 weeks since I posted! And not on your blogs - I am shockingly behind on everyone's blogs. I have been away from you, my internet friends, for various reasons:
- lack of time. We went away on a week's holiday to the Isle of Wight which was wonderful and glorious. Especially glorious just to be with Adam and the kids. We camped in an Airstream trailer and went to the beach. We even - very bravely and not for very long - swam in the Atlantic.

As soon as I came home things just went into overdrive. There were trips to London to sort out our flat there for new tenants (and us! more of that another time), there seem to be endless events at both my kids' schools (some of which require picnics which need to be shopped for and cooked for) and generally - it has been a struggle to just fit the running itself in. Which I have managed, mostly..

- lack of oopmh. I know - not again. But yes, again. My runs in the past 2 weeks have been tough - really tough - primarily because I seem to be suffering from a really painful stomach and related (?) GI issues. I ran a race recently (more later of that) and by mile 13 of the 17.3 miler I had to go off in the bushes and dry-heave. I know - TMI - but that's never happened to me before. Last week I had 16 on the books with 10 at RP. While I managed the RP I had to shoot into a field by mile 9.5 of the race pace section and I then felt so awful I only managed 14 miles. Last night's 10 miler with 5 at LT was the same story - I completed the 2M warmup, the 5M at RP (with a totally respectable, for me, pace of 7:52) only to find myself completely sapped of energy by the end and just struggling home for the last mile, missing out another 2M. I have been googling my symptoms and some seem to suggest this might be dehydration. I can't think that's the case - I drink so much water all day and while I'm out running. And because of my stomach, I find it impossible to drink sports drink or eat gels / shotblocks - again, this is not going to help me go long. In all honesty, I have been so busy that it's only yesterday that I realised that this - my stomach ache and all - had been going on for a good 2 weeks or so (and I have it all day, not just when exercising) and I've made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I seem to be susceptible to stomach viruses which is why I didn't take note immediately, but enough is enough.

Knowing our health service, however, it will be about another 3 weeks before I get any results. So int he meantime, this leaves me in a situation where my long runs, in particular, are hard to get through. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this. Partly as an experiment, partly through time shortage, I'm going to have to do tomorrow's long run (17M) in 2 parts (the doctor's appointment is right in the middle of my running slot) so what I think I'll do is 7M before breakfast and then 10 after the doc's appointment. We'll see how I get through that and whether that might be the way forward for a little while, at least.

In other news - I WON A PRIZE IN A RACE! Yes I know!
Let me paint the picture - it was the first-time running of a new local race, and 19 people entered the event I ran in - an 18 miler (except it was short). I ran the first nearly 9 miles with a 55 year old who gaily chatted for the entire time while I kept thinking I was setting off too fast.. After the turn (where my running buddy SuperSal was marshalling) I let him go which was a good thing because my GI issues got worse. I couldn't bear the feel of the race belt across my stomach so twisted that round my arm and, as I said above, I even pulled off the course for a while to see if I could feel better by being sick. No go. However, I decided there was no option to it other than to slog it out, and so slog it out I did. And when I walked back to my car to go home, I was told to stay to receive my prize! Prize! I was the 3rd woman in - the first woman got overall first, the second was older than me by 16 years and came first in her age group (yes I know you are less and less impressed with me now) and then there was me - 1st in my age group, 35-45. I think there were at least 4 women who were slower than me ;). But I did beat a joggler.

So that's it from me folks - I'm going to catch up with all of your blogs and I'm sorry this is not a very sparkly post - I hope to be back at full sparkle soon. Hope all of your running is going well?

Bring it on Uncle Pfitz.

2010-06-06T14:02:00.004Z

14 weeks from today I will be lining up for my 8th marathon, the Experian Robin Hood marathon in Nottingham. We have established it will be devoid of robbing and pillaging. We have established that the vast majority of runners will be running the half, leaving a small group to run another half on their lonesomes around a windy watersports training centre. We have established that I will be dealing with the loneliness by drawing on my experience of running alone for most of my training and by listening to my iPod. So now all I have to do is train for the thing.

Let's establish where I am - physically. I'm slow. I've not done any speedwork since my Boston training finished, over 6 weeks ago. I've not done masses of running - I've not even updated my DailyMile totals for months. I had another blood test recently which established that I am still anaemic and so for the past 2 weeks I have been taking my iron pills (diligently - I had stopped taking them months ago when they ran out). And I have felt a slight increase in spring in step. So I am slow, but healthy. Knees are fine. The periformis pain (also known as pain in the *ss) which has been bugging me for over a year now is still there but does not appear to be getting any worse and seems to be responding to some hard sessions with my new foam roller. I will do what I did in training for my last three marathons and book a session with Jonathan, my running osteopath, every 3 weeks which seems to keep me more or less stretched. I would also like to keep up the biking I've been doing recently - nothing massive or strenuous but at least an hour a week at 15mph. And I am going to try to make at least one yoga class a week - again, my yoga classes are unbelievably unstrenuous but therein lies much of the appeal. My pushup challenge has been slightly halted by a sharp pain to the left of my right hip - I am a bit worried I may be giving myself a hernia and so am switching to different pushups on my yoga ball. (For those in the know - does this look like the right idea?
.
I am determined to work on stability and strength for the first time and I hope that will make me stronger and faster. Finally - my relative dietary diligence means I'm only pounds away from where I want to be. I set myself back a bit this afternoon with some pringles, but you know how it goes once you pop.. Sigh.

Mentally, you'll all be happy to hear I am in a really great frame of mind. I have worked my way through the pile of cr*p that was the last 6 months and I am ready to go. On all fronts.

So training-wise I am back with Pete Pfitzinger. It's worked before and it'll work again. I'm stretching out his 12 week 55M program to 14 weeks - not sure yet which weeks to double, tips? - and although I KNOW I will be cursing him next Saturday morning when I have to drag 8M at race pace out of my 13 miler - sheesh Uncle Pfitz, cut me some slack! - it will be good for me.

I've cranked out a 40M week to set me up, finishing off with a 14M run this morning in the rain.

Running-wise, life-wise. Bring. It. ON!

Everything you always wanted to know. After last week? Probably not but here it is anyway.

2010-05-30T21:10:00.006Z

I was tagged by running and living. Well .. she tagged her first 15 commenters (I know! She's very popular!) and I was number 14. Squeezed in - that's me! And now I'm going to tag whoever would like to me tagged so think about it. 7 random facts people!

1. Only a few people know, because I haven't blogged about it yet, that I have basically made my husband take up running. He's been sort of running 5/6/7 milers and has done a few longer runs recently (10/11 miles) and then - last week - he did his first ever half marathon. Now that is a BIG deal. Let me rewind for you - we met as students, have been together and in love for over 18 years. 7 years ago I took up running and he has been very supportive of me as I lost weight and gained confidence. I very much wanted him to start as well - running has brought me a great deal of happiness and joy - but also did not want to push it. You've got to *want* to run training miles, no good doing it with me forcing him. So to see him out there running and to go to a race with him to race it together - it was fabulous. We ran the White Peak half together, where we also met up with masses of running blogging / podcasting buddies. And we ran it. On the hottest day of the year so far and in new shoes (hmm yes - the rookie lost his running shoes last week and had to buy new ones the day before the race..) my wonderful and amazing husband finished his first half marathon. He only stopped speaking to me for the last 2 miles and I think our marriage was briefly suspended half a mile before the finish, but he's already talking about his next one. So well done Adam!

Yep that's him and me lurking in the corner. The photos for this race are diabolical - my legs look like gigantic short treetrunks. I am only 4 lbs away from target weight folks - what is this? Is this what my legs are actually like? I know. I know. Yes.

2. My son is called Felix because I was casting about for names for him and went though one of my old American history books and found a list of supreme court justices and was struck by Felix Frankfurter.. Poor Felix has 4 names - the first 2 are the family names (Adam Matthew) and the second 2 are his own, and my choices, Felix Emerson. Being the birthgiver and the stretch mark receiver, I also insisted he be known as Felix and not as something so ghastly as little Adam or whatever. (Remember on Dynasty they had LB? Little Blake? Oh man. That is bad.)
3. I'm Dutch. Well, many of you know this but for those who don't know - I've lived in the UK for years now but am Dutch. I grew up all over the world until the age of 11 so grew up bilingual even though my parents weren't, which made life in the English-speaking world easier for me. But when it comes to football (soccer) which I hate, I still support the Dutch. Thankfully there was no Dutch entry in Eurovision. The Dutch are good at herring and licorice. Not so good at music.
4. I cannot bear rodents but am not afraid of spiders.
5. After last week's post I got LOADS of lovely comments and feedback and emails so it's perhaps not clear enough that I am okay. I am okay. It has been rough, and I don't have all the answers (sorry) but I am okay and, yes, stronger for it. Stick that in your pipe midlife crisis and SMOKE IT!
6. Listening to Barbra Streisand singing can reduce me to tears. I am not proud of this. But it has done, and will do in future. I am powerless.
7. I met my BFF, Dawn, a few months after we each had our first child. We were waiting to see our health visitor at the doctor's when we overheard her saying something stupid and looked at each other as if to say "who is this woman?". We bonded, and making a great friend in my thirties is one of the most lovely surprises life has thrown me so far. She is truly 100% supportive and loving and with me all the way not to mention that she cracks me up on a regular basis. We live 130 miles apart but speak most days - I am very very lucky to have her in my life.

All is good folks. 15 weeks until the Robin Hood marathon which you are all getting way too excited about. We don't get to go a'stealin' through Nottingham (sadly) and I don't think we actually run through Sherwood Forest. On the upside, I don't think Russell Crowe, the latest and totally annoying and humourless Robin Hood, will be running it. One more week of dossing about, running 30M or so to just keep the legs ticking over and the Pfitz will start giving it to me again. I am slow so we will have an interesting few weeks. Goodnight for now, and good luck to you all!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends

2010-05-21T08:50:00.006Z

Sometimes it seems to me I can never put my finger on what is troubling me until it is behind me - the shape and form it takes is never very clear until I have some hindsight. Telling you all last week that I was going through a midlife crisis was a good example of that. I have been going through something for months and strangely, it was not until I actually wrote it down that it seemed to both take on a distinct form and be something I could move beyond. I have thought about writing about it elsewhere on a different blog - I'm not sure who lurks here - but I think that this blog has been about a lot more than running for such a long time and you are my friends, not just my running friends, so I'm going to put things out here, in a succinct form and preserving the privacy of those involved. So for all of you looking for just running stats (like my blog was ever the place for that) move onto the next item in your googlereader now.

In the course of the past year, there have a number of changes in my life. Two in particular, concerning my daughter's education and moving house, were decisions I have had a hard time coming to terms with. I have never, in the past, had a problem with accepting a compromise once it had been agreed, but in this case I kept going through the decision process in my head, repeating all the steps, ending up at the same place and yet not finding any peace with that. On top of this, I was feeling a general sense of unease at the fact that I was nearing 40 (next year) and that I had not achieved much (I know that is debatable, but bear with me - this is what I felt). I was worried and concerned about how I was going to fill in that part of my life that was mine in a useful and productive and enjoyable way. I also started to feel very guilty about the fact that I lead a comfortable life and the good fortune I have - I felt I had done nothing to deserve, or earn, these things. Then, at the end of last year, I found myself very suddenly and unexpectedly on the receiving end of a great deal of very unexpected, harsh and unpleasant criticism from someone whom I loved and trusted. Coming on top of the issues I was struggling with outlined above, this felt like an assault. And, looking back, that's how I reacted. It just unmoored me. I did not feel safe, mentally, anywhere. An attack, after all, could come when I least expected it. I felt I could no longer trust my instincts. I found myself looking back over my life, amazed at the certainty with which I, in the past, have made decisions. How did I always know what I wanted? I would find myself incapable of making the simplest, most mundane of decisions.

Running did keep me going. Having a schedule to follow, gave me something to do. At a time when I really did not know where to turn or what to aim for, reading the day's instructions gave me something to do and to aim for. But you can also imagine that with my frame of mind at the time, training was just not a mental priority and perhaps this is why I went off the boil a bit. I enjoyed some runs, I enjoyed some races, but overall I was just getting through it.

During all of this I was never alone. My husband is, and has always been, a complete rock and incredibly, unbelievably supportive. I'd find myself casting out idea after idea, trying to get some focus back in my life - yoga retreats in India, neuro-linguistic programming - and he engaged with all of it and supported me. (Incidentally, I went for none of these things). My friends were amazing. Supportive, kind, willing to listen to me again and again as I questioned everything, every decision I had made. My parents too - it's amazing how I got to nearly 40 to realise what wise and wonderful people they are. A lot of the things they have said have stuck in my head and have been instrumental in working my way out of my situation.

Because I have. A week or two ago, I went to a lunch party, full of self-doubt and criticism (here I am, a living cliche, woman without a job going out to a charity lunch) and I met a very sparkly, friendly, engaging person who reminded me of how much fun it is to be around creative and sparkly people. And that there is a creative and sparkly person inside me as well. And somehow, my mind clicked into a better place. Nothing medical, nothing magical. The engine just started up again.

Now let's get things straight here. First off - I know a little about depression, and I know I was not depressed. I was just, somehow, stuck. I tried my old coping strategies - fake it till you make it, and doing the opposite of me, but somehow I was very aware of faking it and not making it and of consciously doing the opposite of me. It didn't work. I knew that I just had to get through this time as well as I could, with as much personal integrity and honesty as I could bring to my situation and the people around me. And that, somehow, I had to take - yes, learn! - something.

And I have learned some things. I have learned that, despite being “gobby” at times and pretty extraverted, I find it hard to be assertive about my thoughts and feelings when I know people are not going to be happy to hear them. I know what I want but I’d rather not have a fight to get it – I’d rather win people round with reason and charm. It’s a strategy that’s worked for me often, but this time it did not work and I have had to face up to the fact that sometimes I need to be braver. And be able to handle the fallout. So, once more unto the breach, dear friends. I'm back in the game.

I don't yet know "what I'm going to do with my life". I'm carrying on with things - my lovely family who give me plenty to do and engage with and my running. And I'm exploring new things. Fear of failure has held me back in the past, but I'm determined that is not going to be the story of my future. I've thrown out a number of lines and will let you know when I can feel a bite..

As always, but more than usual this time - thank you for reading.

6 is the new 5 - and other goals.

2010-05-13T17:46:00.005Z

Yes I have been a bad - silent - blogger recently. And a bad - silent - commenter as well. It's my life people - I'm trying to enjoy the downtime (ie not-training-for-a-marathon-time) to pick up the stitches I've dropped in my life while I was training. I've dealt with admin, with domestic issues, with some personal issues (though sadly, to no avail) and tried to take the time to not rush into my next training cycle. I've tried to focus on the opposite of me - fight the impulsive decisions, reassess past situations before planning new ones.

The problem is that I'm going through a sort of mid-life crisis. I won't bore you with the details of it - for now - suffice it to say that coupled with my crisis are feelings of guilt for even having it and feelings of boredom over having it at all. While part of me is in mental freefall, the rest of me is just sitting there, yawning, thinking "haven't we been here before sweetie?". Or something a bit harsher than that. Like I said, I'm not going to bore you with it apart from the fact that I thought, initially, that I should perhaps not train for a marathon at the moment, to free myself up to resolve my "issues". But that is just too boring a prospect. And what I'm going through I'm just going to have to go through and resolve, one way or the other. And that will take time. And while I'm taking that time (have I mentioned before how impatient I am? This is a challenge, indeed) I might as well do something. And for lack of another good plan, I shall train for a marathon. So here we go again.

The marathon I am training for - and this is the opposite of me - is the Experian Robin Hood marathon. You were of varied opinions about it when I polled your thoughts about it - but the overwhelming reason for me to do this is because it is close and, after the debacle of Boston, I can pretty much guarantee I can get to the starting line. I would say to you that I am going against my instinct and not turning this into a foreign jolly like I usually do, but that would be a very narrow truth - IronJen is going to be in Paris the week before the marathon and I am determined to make it out to see her (I know - that is so good of me). I am sure that we will be able to add to my iron stores by drinking some lovely champagne..

Now onto the cryptic (catchy?) title for this post - I have made some decisions about my training:
- I'm using the Pfitzinger 12 week program, fitting in 2 weeks extra for summer holidays. 18 weeks - well 20 - was just too long for me to keep my focus for. Don't know who I was kidding - true type A (and superfast) runners Aron and Jen warned me about this but hey - only one way to really, truly, find out.
- I'm really going to cross train this time. No really! I have started doing yoga once a week, my bike is being services as I speak, and I have found about new, less daunting, swimming lessons on Sundays. Stay tuned for another update on social group behavior. The 100 pushup program has been on my iPhone for oh, a year now? Now I want to have guns like Michelle's. Keep me to it!
- In the warm-up to it all - I have 3 weeks to go - I am trying to keep my mileage between 30 and 40 miles per week but also trying to move my general knocking-about-not-really-training-just-chillin-and-listening-to-my-tunes runs to 6 miles instead of 5.

And I have got to - GOT TO - move 5 pounds. Off. My butt.

So there we have it. I've boldly put it all out there, now all I need to do is go out there and do it.

I will leave you with some shots of my latest run, in Derbyshire (3 miles uphill followed by 3 miles downhill), and the local wildlife.

sheep in the car park where I left my car..

more sheep on the way uphill - don't you love their trough?

me. yes they are crow's feet. From smiling, people.

green and pleasant, if not sunny, land..

off-roading it a bit - this was a particularly LONG uphill so I was happy to take a photographer's break.

Hope all your running is going well - about to go and check you all out. TTFN!