And another thing

Because see, the thing is, just because I didn't blog for 4 weeks didn't mean I disengaged my brain. This is not to say I came to any earth-shattering conclusions or insights, but rather that I plodded and groped my way through my self-created slump, trying to think of ways in which to change my 'tude. I've already told you that your emails and messages and feedback were the driving force that gave me my mojo back. However, here follow a few other things I tried:
- join a running club. Well - I did join a running club ages ago - in 2006 - where I met SuperSal - but I found it hard to make the weekly meetings in the evenings. Also - to be honest - I like training alone and fitting my training in where I can. Anyway, Jonathan, my osteopath, recommended I try another local club because they do all sorts of hateful things like time trials and hill workouts and track workouts that are good for me. So I went along on a Tuesday evening 3 weeks ago. The first thing I have to say, honesty compels me, is that the coaches (yes there were true honest-to-god qualified coaches) were friendly and seemed good. The second thing I have to say is man! The English can be terrible in social situations. As Sophia used to say in the Golden Girls "picture the scene". Group of runners standing around in running gear in front hall of leisure centre (yeah) waiting for workout to start. Congregating round coaches. The clothing makes it clear who is with the running club or just there to eat the fast food in the cafetaria (yeah). New person turns up. Clearly new because no-one has seen her there before. It is clear that the other members know each other (they are speaking in groups, shooting the breeze, you know being social). So this person - not standing in a group, greeted loudly by the coach "Hi Petra, nice you could join us today!" is new. What do you do? Do you a) go up to her and say "hi, I'm x" and start a conversation or do you b) stand around staring at her but not speaking to her. If you chose b) you chose the group's correct reaction. Jeez! Anyway I haven't developed my extraordinary social skills for nothing so I worked this crowd. As we jogged to the track I struck up conversations, showed interest, expressed admiration at race times and achievements. The track workout was a dud as half the track was closed, and so this created some bitching I could in with (nothing like bitching together to draw people together). We slowly jogged back, and back to our cars. End of workout. For honesty's sake I will make the following points: 1) some people were very nice 2) I do not expect the red carpet to be rolled out for me. The question that has you all hanging on the edge of your seat is - will I go back? And the answer is ... no. And not because no-one's being nice to me. Because I'm sure, over time, the folks would defrost and I would find some kindred spirits and yadda yadda yadda all would be okay. But actually - I have done my speed workouts alone this year and like that. My Garmin keeps me honest. I'm not really that keen to ingratiate myself with a new bunch of people when what they offer is not something I desperately want or need. Call me Greta. (ref. Garbo not Waitz).
- changed my playlist. I tend to listen to podcasts when I'm out running so one of the lightning bolts of inspiration that struck me was that to change my mood I needed to change what I was listening to. So far so genius. As you may recall from aaaaagges ago Mika's Life in Cartoon motion got me through 2008 Chicago training. Mika has a (relatively) new album out (The Boy Who Knew Too Much) and as I can never get me enough sexually ambiguous madness I popped it onto my iPod. Amazing album. The guy is as mad as a snake but fantastically funny with it. And sexy. Couldn't really see that while I was running but I could think it and that helped. Did it help get my mojo back? Well - in so far as it stopped me from thinking and got me belting out songs, yes. I wouldn't say it proved the tripswitch but it helped.
- set myself goals. One of the many kind emails I received in the past month was from Gary, who I ran with at the White Peak half this year. He's quite an incredible ultrarunner and has set himself the goal of running 50M next summer for his 50th birthday. I had emailed him that I might join him on some of it and he responded by saying that my joining him really helped him get motivated. So that I needed to set myself some more goals to get me motivated. He said some more very kind things I won't embarass him by repeating but trust me - the man is a mensch. So here are some of my options:

• run 50M (or part of it) with Gary. I could use Boston training as my leap up in mileage, and then just carry on running long runs. Part of me is quite intrigued by whether I could do an ultra. But maybe 50M is a very long way to go - and will detract from my other training goals (see below). Maybe do 20M - 30M with him? Tips / advice?
  
• Triathlons. I am very close to finding a swimming club, I have been in touch with some tri gurus and I am fairly confident that, if I cross training with swimming and biking during my Boston training I can get into some sort of triathlon shape by the summer. There are a number of sprint triathlons close to me (Woodhall Spa triathlon, May 9th, Lincoln Triathlon July 4th) and then I'm quite tempted by an Olympic (or oly as I think I'm meant to call it) in London over the summer - the London triathlon. I'm not signing up to anything until I've sorted out my swimming club, but once I've done that I think I'm signing up to these three.
• Bike ride from Arnhem (Netherlands) to Berlin (Germany). I have some local friends who bike a lot and who are tentatively planning to ride from Arnhem in Holland (coincidentally where my parents live) to Berlin. I think it's about a 350 mile bike ride, mostly on quiet roads and cycle lanes, and we'll take about 6 days to do it. I think this would be great fun to do with friends, Adam will join me, and it's one way of seeing just how well I bike (and how good my soon-to-be purchased bike seat is going to be).
  
• That leaves the autumn open. Which is probably a good thing. If I pull off all the above I might be ready for a break. Alternatively there are so many decent local running races I can enter later in the year that I don't need to decide now.
  

- cut my hair. I am such a moron! Most people I know are really careful at the hairdresser's - an inch off here and there, stick with the same. I get kamikaze when I'm in that chair. "Go for it" I tell the hairdresser. As if a new haircut will change my life. Well it might, but probably not for the better. And in all this please bear in mind the fundamental material I'm dealing with. I have thin, fine hair. Not a lot of it. It is one of the various banes of my life. I do not, and have never had, good hair. The past few years I have employed The Opposite of Me at the hairdresser's and have been conservative, like the rest of you, and this has resulted in semi-decent hair. Good colour and a sort of shorter noughties Rachel haircut. However, in my clearly mentally diminished state I turn up at the hairdresser's and say "Go for it". What was I thinking? I came out looking like a newsreader! I have a bob! I look square! What was I doing? A week on things are a bit better. For the sake of veracity - picture below.
It's a week later now and though it's not like my hair grew a lot in that time (I wish!) I have managed to make it my own. Does it look like I am disguising my hair with a cat? Well I am. I should have put her in front of my crow's feet as well...

Okay. So what can you learn from me? In a nutshell:
- Not everyone has great social skills.
- change your tune. You might enjoy it even if it doesn't work.
- set some goals. It does work..
- don't cut your hair when you're trying to prompt a change.

Finally. I've been reliably informed that I need to post a picture of my new "ride". Be gentle with her - she's second-hand and was a bargain..
Ok. So as I'm in week 1 of Boston training - yes - I'm off for 8M with 4M at hm pace. That should be fun.. Speak soon my friends.

The future is bright (and cold and wet).

Finally! You thought I'd just crawled under a rock and given up right? As well I might have done given all the moaning and whingeing I have done in the past month. But the funk is officially been, done and gone. How did I achieve this? 



First of all, by going back to the opposite of me. Remember that? Well this time I took it and interpreted it slightly differently (it's my church, so I get to make the rules) to just mean "doing things differently".
• After being on a running schedule for most of the year, I had no schedule. After getting each and every run in for the past 7 months, I let myself off the hook sometimes. I took a break and it was good.
• After more than 5 years of doing only running, I bought a bike. I have held off on buying a bike for a long time because, being Dutch, and having used a bike as a primary means of transport for years in my teens and twenties, I was under no illusions as to the problems with bikes. I.e - technical problems. Flat tires. Chains coming off. Strange noises. Adjusting and readjusting. Endless stuff. And this was all on the simple and cruddy bikes I used to ride. Heavy "sit up and begs" that had no gears and had backpedal brakes. However, I was owed a birthday present and eBay suggested a beautiful bargain. It was delivered to me with clipless pedals and while this would, normally, have been an excuse for me to park the bike in the garage for 6 months while I procrastinated about working it out, I headed to the bikeshop instead and bought some shoes, some cleats and a helmet and set about working out my bike. Yes I fell. Four times hard, so far. I have forced myself to work out how to adjust the tension, I have adjusted the seat, and have also - major victory, worked out the gears. Somewhat. That's still a work in progress.
• I have entered a duathlon (31st December, 2.5 mile run, 9 mile bike and 2.5 mile run) and am currently trying to find somewhere agreeable to go swimming. If I can find a place to train and learn, the next summer will be summer of triathlons. I really am working on this one peeps!
• I did some of the things I haven't done when I was training so hard. I spent some time with friends, I filled in my tax return (so late it's not even funny) and I generally lazed about a bit.

However. However. However. The most interesting realisation to me has been that while I needed a break from my schedule and running I am happier and more effective with a schedule in my life. Somehow it sets my course for each week - this is the training I need to get in and I need to work my week around it. I get a lot more other stuff done when I'm training. I waste less time. I feel better - physically and mentally - with a goal. All hardly an aha erlebnis for most of you, but I'm not really a Type A like so many runners. (You should see the state of my house!). I'm amazed that I'm able to stick to a schedule and find it so useful to organise my life, and set out my priorities.

The other thing that has got me back is, once again, the kindness of you lot. The emails, the messages, the FaceBook comments. I couldn’t drop out if I wanted to could I? So thank you – you know who you are..



So I'm back in the game now people. The past few weeks have seen my first brick workout (8M bike followed by a 5M run -hardly an IronMan but still) and I’m determined to keep up my biking as my cross training in the run-up to Boston. I’m going to try the 18 week Pfitzinger schedule this time – it’s long but I want to try and see how the more gradual build-up will go. I’m fitting in 2 extra weeks as I’m going skiing in January – yes this time I will have sports massages while I’m out there and I’m already booked in with my osteopath immediately upon my return. Tight quads will NOT derail Boston.

Finally – can you keep a secret? You know I’m better when I get naughty. And I have been. I have had (and still have…) a very bad cold at the moment. On Saturday night I was in bed by 7pm feeling like death. However, I had entered a half-marathon on Sunday weeks ago to motivate me to get some mileage in. I woke up at 6am on Sunday feeling okay and so, without telling anyone, texted the babysitter and headed to the race. Well of course it was a stupid idea. The rain was sheeting down. It was SO cold. So wet. So hilly. Despite that I got race giddy and ran my first mile in under 8 minutes – so the end of the race was very grim indeed. I wasn’t properly trained, nor physically well enough to run a half-marathon yesterday. But I did it. And I crossed the finish line in 1:52! No PB, but not bad at all. A good yardstick to start Boston training with.

I'm going to publish this now so I can go off and catch up on your blogs. Apologies for the radio silence - I'm back in the game!

The party's over

The pity party that is. As always you, my faithful commenters cuddled me, cajoled me, and some of you gave me a kick up the *ss and okay okay - I get the message. I've put away the black streamers, dried my tears and I'm back again.

That's not to say the running has been great these past 2 weeks. I think I definitely suffered from something related to what my kids had last week - they've had (swine?) flu and tonsilitis but have now recovered - and even by the middle of this week my 8 miler was compiled of grit, determination, clif-shots and slow miles. None of it is a pretty picture to be sure but I've just read Meg Runs' blog and I have cut and pasted the following:

No matter what your goal is...weight loss, a 5k, a 3 day walk, a hike, an ultra, a marathon...you need to look at the plan. What ever your pace; to finish, to go fast, to go slow, to walk. Don't let it own you, own the plan. Talk to it, "Bring it on!"

Do it with confidence. age doesn't matter
Do it with concentration. single out that one specific moment in time and focus on it
Do it with control. but don't force it
Do it with commitment. bring it on

And she's right. Completely right. The other mantra that has embedded itself into my mind is the AA mantra of "fake it till you make it". I am faking it and slowly beginning to make it. I struggled through 7 awful miles in wind and rain last Sunday (failed to run the 12 I had told myself to run, but ran 7 when 0 was by far the more attractive option), I ran 5 on Tuesday that were neither here nor there but on the books all the same, and today I decided to kick myself a bit harder and make myself run 5M out of a 10 miler at a faster pace. (Chicken and egg you see - my lack of mojo has had me slugging out the miles at 10 / 11 min/mile pace - great recovery pace if that's what you're going for but for me, at this point, just a sign of how deeply I had sunk into sluggishness. ) And reader, I did it. I warmed up for 2 miles at 8:17 min/mile (good to find that pace again), then ran 5 miles at an 8:01 min/mile, before slowing down for the last 3 at a 9:03 min/mile pace. Much better - and I'm much happier.

I'm in the doldrums for a number of reasons, really - I'm worrying about my kids, worrying about the lack of direction in my life, worrying about when I'll ever get settled into my new house, worrying about all sorts of relationships in my life that aren't working terribly well at the moment - but what I'm hanging onto here is that running is good for me when all this stuff is going on. It may not be fast, and it may not be quality, but getting out there is always better than not getting out there. And before you worry about me - none of the things I am worrying about above are as troublesome, or difficult, as I sometimes think they are or as I might be making them appear. The problem, really, at the moment is my attitude and my worrying, not the people or situations I am worrying about. And as I'm unable to think these worries away, I might as well go out for a run. After which things never seem quite as difficult anymore. So Meg, you're right. Bring it on!

Feelin' funky...

Unfortunately not in a good, groovy 1979 kind of way. No I'm in a funk. Which, I guess, was bound to happen. Running-wise I've just completed 2 hard cycles of training, more or less back to back. I've run 2 marathons this year where I totally, absolutely put everything I had into the race and hit the wall physically (London) and mentally (Berlin). My motivation to train hard and well for London was fed by pulling out of the race the year before and then by increasing success in shorter races leading up to this year's race. It was one of those times where you just know you're moving away from a plateau and onto the next level and I loved it. Coming so close to a Boston qualifier was unexpected but incredibly encouraging. So for Berlin I had my goal clearly in mind. To Boston qualify. And we all know how that went.. But, as many of you pointed out - I did it. Something that I had never deemed possible became possible and in the crappiest race I've ever run I managed to run the fastest I've ever run and to achieve something that even 9 months prior to that had seemed impossible. All good stuff.

And now I've just received my Boston entry confirmation. Which is great news after all that angsting - I know you all told me not to but still I did, of course - over the 13 seconds to spare and the "unofficial" results.

So all is good. 2 marathons in one year done. PBs achieved - for 10K, for half mary (twice), for 30K (first time doing it), for 20M (first time racing it) and for full mary (twice). Job stress dealt with by resignation (hrrrmm - not ideal but had tried every other avenue) and house move partially accomplished (the next stage is not in my hands).

Not to mention a fantastic trip to California with my parents which was wonderful - they are such great company, Sequoia and Yosemite are stunning, we had such a lovely time - and then to top it all off I went to stay with the wonderful Marathon Maritza for 2 nights, met up with Tara and Aron, ran a 14 miler with Maritza and generally had a wonderful time.

happy hour at Lodgepole camp in Sequoia

my lovely parents in Kings Canyon

A bear near the General Sherman tree

My mother and I

those mornings were cold...


The view from Nevada falls

The rohos after brunch in Walnut Creek

me taking crappy pictures of Maritza and I - was it the beer?

So why am I am I feeling so bleeugrgh? Reading the above through the answer is obvious - because all the goals set earlier this year have been met, the various events I had been looking forward to have happened and I now have to start afresh... I've come back from a marvellous holiday and now have to deal with various domestic duties of varying tedium, have to pay my taxes and deal with all sorts of financial responsibilities, have only just recovered from my jet lag which had me sleepy in the day and awake at night, and have a sick child who I think has passed on her bugs to me. Uggh.

Running has been pretty haphazard since Berlin - though I initially launched into Pfitz recovery schedule with gusto it all got a bit messed up on my trip (running up the trails in Seqoia and Yosemite was very hard although I did manage to get 14M in with Maritza which was fabulous.) Overall I took the attitude that it was a good idea to not have much of a schedule for a while, before launching into it again for Boston. 5 weeks on from Berlin though I think it's time to pull myself together - if only because the rest of my life seems to flow better when I'm running. At the advice of my osteopath I'm running a 10K in early December so that I will spend November doing 2 or 3 speed sessions a week, with a hilly long run at the weekend to keep up the distance. That schedule is due to start on Monday - pray with me that this achiness and loginess I'm feeling are just the end of jetlag and not the beginning of flu.

That's it folks - nothing very inspiring, nothing very exciting. It's how I'm feeling right now though and sometimes I just need to get started again - even if it is a very unexciting blogpost - to get myself back into it. I hope your running is going well - I have hundreds of blogposts in my reader to catch up on! - and I'll be back. I think.

Moving on

So. After posting the race report I spent the next day obsessively checking and rechecking the results pages to see if the "inofficial" had changed to "official". I phoned the Berlin marathon people to ask when the results would become official (1 to 2 weeks the lady thought but she seemed utterly mystified by the urgency in my voice), I submitted my application to the BAA for a place in the Boston marathon (they need to verify the results themselves anyway and wait for them to become official yes I am going in circles here). I achieved very little else. I felt a bit sick, a bit nervous. I didn't sleep very well.

In truth, I just didn't know what to make of this race. It felt like I had run an awful race, yet I had achieved what I had set out to do - qualify for Boston. For the vast majority of the race, the first 17 miles, I felt increasingly awful. Physically, but also mentally. Normally I am a really happy racer. I wave at the crowds and in my head I am all focus. I feel that this is the day I've been training for and my mind is completely in control. It is a wonderful feeling and it puts me on a real high. In this race I just didn't feel it at all. This may be because I wasn't feeling well or was, somehow, dehydrated. But besides my physical condition, my mind became a very negative place in the course of those 17 miles. All the doubts that can plague me at 3am (along the lines of "I am really a failure, I am terrible, who am I to think that I can do this") were playing through my head. The urge to stop was enormous and while I was fighting it it was as if this awful voice in my head was telling me: "you stop. you've always been a quitter and you thought you'd got past that but you haven't. You know you want to stop. What's the point in carrying on?" Awful stuff - I know - but truly this was going through my mind and I have never felt this while I was running.

Ironically, though, what stopped this negativity was stopping. Once I'd stopped it was as if I had done that awful thing I had always been so afraid of doing. The voice switched off and it was as if the slate had been wiped clean. As I started running again with my blanket around me I knew that I might well miss my BQ. But I didn't really care. I was going to finish this race and prove that I could do that. I definitely was tired and I was definitely was not 100 %. I had negative thoughts (I vividly remember thinking, somewhere during mile 23, "I will never run again") but I could acknowledge that thought and carry on. In the last 3 miles I walked about 3 times every mile. I could see my time slipping but I really did not care. At that point I felt it was incredible I was still in the race at all. I had completely given up on the BQ - and I was, in my peculiar state, ok with that - when I suddenly realised at the 41K mark that I could still make it. By now things had been reversed in my head. I was now in a place where I couldn't imagine making my qualifying time and all of a sudden the possibility presented itself. Looking at my Garmin, my last miles were well over 9 minute miles, and then the last mile I whipped out an 8 minute miler again.

After all the turmoil I was happy when I crossed the finish line and immediately slammed on my watches (yes) to see my time (3:45:45.65). I knew how finely I had cut it, but I was happy to think I might have just made it, and even posed for a finisher's shot which I never usually bother with. Well you know all the rest - and I apologise for rehashing as much as I have.

The truth of the matter is, of course, that I wanted to BQ in full Chariots of Fire glory. In all honesty I wanted to set down a glittering, definitive BQ - not one with 13 seconds to spare. I wanted to feel the way I did in London, without falling apart at the end. This is why I was disappointed - I had achieved my goal but not as I had hoped and anticipated.

But that's where all of you came in. You all emailed me and commented (and the lurkers phoned and Facebooked) and you were so nice to me! I wasn't sure what to feel but you were understanding and kind and complimentary and excited! Greg gave me an unintended (and therefore very valuable) compliment by sending me an email of commiseration once I'd missed the 3:40:59 cut-off (he said I looked too young to be 35. Greg! As someone who is 2 weeks away from being 38 you could NOT have me happier unless you were an official from the BAA telling me I officially have a place in next year's Boston marathon). And then, after I was nervously emailing and generally faffing about, one of you sent me the following email:

you are insane, right???????????

YOU JUST BQ'D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE HAVING A CRAP DAY!!! AND WALKING??!?!

Think about that for a few seconds....

I want to hear YAY ME! (from you. not me. you know!!!)

You need to congratulate yourself!! You set a goal and woman, you DID IT! You did it while feeling bad, and wanting to quit!! THIS IS HUGE!!!

You're amazing! Think for a MINUTE about what you would have done if you'd felt good and hadn't walked! The mind boggles!!!!

And I realised she was right. Like so many things in life this race did not go as planned. But I had done what I had set out to do. And more than that - I had given up in a race (something I have always been afraid of) and then started up again. Something I did not really want to learn, but did and something to stick in my pocket in future reference.

So I have moved on. I think I have BQed, I can't imagine my time changing, but I've let it go. I'll make my plans (and have that bottle of champagne) when I hear from the BAA (either way..). And I'm not running the Bizz Johnson. In part because, let's face it, I know myself well enough to know that I would try to run a better race than Berlin. And I also know that running another marathon hard, 3 weeks after a previous one, is possibly not a great idea. I am going to save my legs (and knees) for Boston. But also because, by not detouring to Susanville for 3 days, I can go on a bigger road (and hiking and camping) trip with my parents. So often running comes first for me, and I don't regret that or apologise for it, but 3 weeks after a marathon I am going to choose my family. And after a week of wilderness (Sequoia National Park, Sierra National Forest, Yosemite National Park and then some wine tasting around Lodi) I am driving to the Bay Area to stay with the wonderful Maritza and meet up with as many Rohos as I can fit into 48 hours. Eating, drinking, talking, running - it's going to be hard but I think I can do it.

And I'm back on the road yes - faithfully working through Pfitzinger's 6 week recovery plan. I'm erring on the side of caution and rest - if I'm not feeling it I'm not running - but this week has been good. 5 milers have brought the pleasure back pretty quickly.

See you soon, good night and thank you. From the bottom of my heart - thank you.

BQ?

I started writing this post this morning and just deleted everything I had written. It was just too boring and pointless. Let me set the scene for you very briefly and then dig into the meat of the matter..

Trip to Berlin went fine, snag was that SuperSal's luggage went missing so she had to get new racekit at the expo (she had her running shoes on during the journey as per previous advice from me apparently - the wisdom comes and goes and is, in any case, forgotten by me). Berlin was warm and congested, hotel fine, pasta dinner slow to come but delicious, glass of red wine seemed to allow me to sleep much better than before London (ie I slept this time).

Sunday morning, bright, warm and early, we headed to the start which was a 20 minute walk from our hotel through a beautiful park. The start area was fairly well organised, and though I had been seeded in a pen ahead of Sally (don't understand why as she is faster than I am) I was able to drop down into hers. The gun went off at 9am and about 9 minutes later we crossed the start mats. Within about 100 metres I felt one of the soft insoles, which I had tucked into my shorts, drop out. The right one. The one that I felt I might need. I couldn't go back for it though and so we carried on. The course was incredibly congested. It's a big race - 44000 entrants - and, unlike London, there is only one starting area. For the first 10 miles or so Sally and I were weaving and dodging to stay on pace. And the first 10 miles sped past pretty quickly. Right from the get-go we went out at a pace I would describe as "comfortably hard". Had a salt tab after 30 mins, my first gel (Hammer Espresso) at 1 hour. We passed the half marathon mark at 1:48, still well on target for a 3:40 finish. And then - I don't know. All through the first half of the race thoughts like "I'm not enjoying this" had been popping into my mind and I was trying to pop them. Then by mile 14 I noticed that I was feeling really nauseous, cold and shivery despite the fact that the temps were really warming up - it must have been around 23 / 24 degrees Celcius by now. I pulled over for a second and tried to be sick. No go. I told Sally who pep talked me. By 16 I told her that I felt my wheels were coming off. More pep talk. And then at mile 17 I saw a medical tent and made the snap decision to head in. Sally was shocked but by the time she registered I had gone off. I went in and said to the two women there "I am so cold. What is the matter with me?" They were completely unhelpful, said they had no idea and handed me a paper blanket. I sat down on a chair for a minute and then, all of a sudden (it was a day of impulse decisions, clearly) I thought no - this is not going to be a DNF. I said goodbye to the Boston Qualifier but I knew that, one way or the other, I could finish this thing. And so I got out of my chair and got back on the road, with my blanket around me. I ran with the blanket for another mile or so until I felt better and all of a sudden I felt okay again. I walked for a minute every mile, then walked in between as well. I got to the 40K mark and walked, got to the 41K mark and then - all of a sudden - I saw the finish and realised that if I pegged it I might just be able to run in under 3:45:59 - the cut-off. So I pegged it - and I did. 3:45:46 according to the chip time that has been emailed to friends and family... I walked through the finish chute not knowing whether to laugh or to cry - I thought I had probably BQ'ed but I also had the worst race I've ever had. Very strange. As I walked out towards the exit - I had made no plans to meet with Sally or her husband as we had never planned not to finish together and I had left no luggage - I suddenly collapsed to the ground with calf cramps. It was like I had been shot in the calves and hurt like hell. Various runners who were lying on the grass around me resting after the race came to my rescue and as I lay on my back on the ground. 2 men very kindly stretched and pulled my feet until I could get up again. Not the most glamorous of positions to find yourself in but by that stage I was totally beyond caring. They helped me up and I thanked them and just carried on walking. I really can't describe how I felt - I wasn't happy or sad, just relieved that it was over. I picked up my free alcoholfree beer (hmmm - not what I would have asked for but it was fluid) and just ambled back to my hotel where I freed my luggage from storage and could finally contact Sally to tell her I was okay and at the hotel.

Again - I'll spare you the details of the blow-by-blow - showered, changed, airport, flight, airport, McDonalds, flight, drive, home. Where my husband was waiting, super excited as he was confident that I had Boston qualified (he'd gone straight onto the BAA website and checked for the times and seen the 59 seconds grace period note). Bad night's sleep - adrenalin finally kicking in? - and here I am on the day after. My legs are sore, my back is chafed from the one insole I did run round the course with (what was I thinking?) but otherwise, I'm intact..

So how do I think about this race? Was it a success? I went out to Boston qualify - a goal that seemed utterly unachievable 9 months ago and, bearing in mind that the results are not yet official, it looks like I have. Or was it a failure? I lost the plot. Something went wrong physically - nausea is not an unusual feeling but I had it very early on in the race, straight after having my gels (which I've used all summer). I may have had heatstroke - the shivering and goosebumps was very strange. Though again, I've run in far warmer conditions. But more than anything else, I wasn't feeling. Normally when I run a race I am just full of it. Annoyingly so. Grinning, positive, driven - all these things. In London I relentlessly pushed a pace I had not run before and carried this on right up until I absolutely could no longer do it. Here I gave up. I was feeling quite blah for the first bit, hanging on mentally for the next few miles and then I just gave up. I thoughts things like "I don't ever want to run again". And yet. And yet I also got up off my chair at the medical tent. And got myself back in there. Looking at my pace on the Garmin, that slow mile with the medical stop was followed by an 8:19 mile. Pace wise I didn't really slow down until mile 23 when I started running plus 9 minute miles. Did I go out too fast? I think so. Sally was gunning for 3:35, I was gunning for 3:40. I should have let her go. However, had I not swooshed through the first half so quickly, I would not have slipped under the 3:45:59 mark. And then - I wish I could have found whatever I found at the 41K mark just a bit sooner. That last half mile was run at an 8:04 pace..

Or was it just a case of a bad day? I've had those in training, but never in races. Will it happen again? I guess if I keep racing, probably it will. At some point.

More to the point - what now? I have submitted my application to the BAA. But the Berlin results, so far, are classed as inofficial and according to the kind lady at the SCC Real Berlin office I spoke to this morning it will be another week or two before they are confirmed as official. I can't really imagine my time changing - the time I have is a chip time recorded on their website and on all the status updates. But I only have 13 seconds to play with so I'm not celebrating yet..

I wish that I had been able to qualify more conclusively. If I had a 3:43 in the bag I wouldn't be so worried. I also wish I had run a better, more consistent race. On the other hand - who knows what will happen? I may not run this fast again, for whatever reason. If I get a place in Boston, I think I will take it.

Finally - do I run Bizz Johnson, for which I'm registered, in 20 days? Why would I run it? To get rid of this awful feeling that I somehow failed. To run 26.2 fairly consistent miles. To run a good race. Perhaps - to Boston qualify more conclusively. On the other hand - what if I have another bad day? What if I run a worse race?

You can sense where I'm at. All over the place. Not sure where to go or what to do. Send me some wisdom peeps - I know you have your thoughts and opinions and I would like to have them.

And finally finally - thank you all of you who sent me texts, emails and messages of support, commiseration and congratulation. You are incredible. Truly.

Follow me!

The amazing Greg - who has just blasted his previous PR with a "bat out of hell / contained madness" pace - has found the email / SMS results service for the Berlin marathon. Bad news is you only get half marathon / finish times. Good news is they will let you sign up foreign phone numbers which is rare. For those of you who don't succeed I will try to update Facebook as soon as possible. See you on the flipside of 26.2 miles!